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Sunday, January 11, 2009
guinnesspresso
right now i'm drinking a special drink called a guinnesspresso - a pint of guinness with a shot of espresso. the irish in me is screaming out. i also recommend espresso with double chocolate stout, to curb the bitterness. one of my future endeavors is to publish a cookbook of my most favorite recipes handed down from friends, family, and the cookbooks i love. i envision a section on fancy drinks, including mojitos and those chocolate martinis i sometimes order at halcyon. there will be stories, of course, to accompany the recipes.
for most of the weekend i've been feeling under the weather. i decided to stay in on friday and saturday nights to rest. i have not been social at all and i intend to be a hermit for the rest of this sunday. i bought "the secret life of bees" by sue monk kidd at half price books and settled in for nights of reading on the living room couch. there is something so seductive about the south, and about black culture. i want to play with that theme in my novel. i watched part of the L word, too. it was the episode where bette cheats on tina with the carpenter and their relationship is seriously on the rocks. these characters feel like my friends. i've been watching them for the past 4 years. leisha hailey inspires me the most.
i'm resolving to go out to ladies' nights at the gay bar this year and to be more active in the femme community building that is going on. we meet once a month and the woman who runs it is essentially the center of the lesbian scene in austin and the producer of the drag shows. she's a-mazing and the same age as me. i would like to start performing and choreographing drag later on in the year. although i have not chosen to label myself a "femme," preferring the freedom to switch back and forth between styles, this group is positive for greater self-acceptance and finding a community. we will sometimes hang out with their lovers and friends so time is not bound to "femmes." i will at the least be forming new friendships, if not crossing paths with a future lover.
i was somewhat annoyed when someone recently told me that i do not dress "gay enough." and just what does a gay woman look like? i believe in dressing how you like to dress, not conforming yourself to some set of fashion codes. if a woman is attracted to me, i think that she isn't going to care if i'm in a skirt or in pants. leisha hailey could be wearing a potato sack and i would still think she's hot!
i was a little bit envious of my ex-girlfriend because her style was more obviously lesbian. short blonde hair, boy's pants, t-shirts, baseball caps. she looked like a pretty teenage boy from afar, until you looked more closely at her face and realized she was a woman. because of this, she attracts women to her side like a moth to a flame. i think it's much, much harder for femmes to attract the attention of other women. we have to seek out places where there are queer people. we have to also contend with not being perceived as gay enough and maybe continually obsess over what we're wearing and how we present ourselves. i've had conversations with other femmier sorts about that feeling of invisibility as being queer.
sometimes i feel like i literally have to stamp a rainbow sign to my chest. then maybe...maybe some people would get the message.
for most of the weekend i've been feeling under the weather. i decided to stay in on friday and saturday nights to rest. i have not been social at all and i intend to be a hermit for the rest of this sunday. i bought "the secret life of bees" by sue monk kidd at half price books and settled in for nights of reading on the living room couch. there is something so seductive about the south, and about black culture. i want to play with that theme in my novel. i watched part of the L word, too. it was the episode where bette cheats on tina with the carpenter and their relationship is seriously on the rocks. these characters feel like my friends. i've been watching them for the past 4 years. leisha hailey inspires me the most.
i'm resolving to go out to ladies' nights at the gay bar this year and to be more active in the femme community building that is going on. we meet once a month and the woman who runs it is essentially the center of the lesbian scene in austin and the producer of the drag shows. she's a-mazing and the same age as me. i would like to start performing and choreographing drag later on in the year. although i have not chosen to label myself a "femme," preferring the freedom to switch back and forth between styles, this group is positive for greater self-acceptance and finding a community. we will sometimes hang out with their lovers and friends so time is not bound to "femmes." i will at the least be forming new friendships, if not crossing paths with a future lover.
i was somewhat annoyed when someone recently told me that i do not dress "gay enough." and just what does a gay woman look like? i believe in dressing how you like to dress, not conforming yourself to some set of fashion codes. if a woman is attracted to me, i think that she isn't going to care if i'm in a skirt or in pants. leisha hailey could be wearing a potato sack and i would still think she's hot!
i was a little bit envious of my ex-girlfriend because her style was more obviously lesbian. short blonde hair, boy's pants, t-shirts, baseball caps. she looked like a pretty teenage boy from afar, until you looked more closely at her face and realized she was a woman. because of this, she attracts women to her side like a moth to a flame. i think it's much, much harder for femmes to attract the attention of other women. we have to seek out places where there are queer people. we have to also contend with not being perceived as gay enough and maybe continually obsess over what we're wearing and how we present ourselves. i've had conversations with other femmier sorts about that feeling of invisibility as being queer.
sometimes i feel like i literally have to stamp a rainbow sign to my chest. then maybe...maybe some people would get the message.
Friday, January 9, 2009
new year.
a new year, a new job, a new relationship, a new place in my life. these are some wishes i have. today the weather is a gorgeous 77 degrees and i've been basking in the sunshine for as long as possible. i'm wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and my converse sneakers. i feel so healthy now that i have permanently said farewell to cigarettes, and it's friday. what a great day. i spent the afternoon with jess. she is recovering from a bad car wreck. on tues. night she was going to meet me out at a gay bar for ladies' night and i told her i would come pick her up on the way. but she insisted on riding her bike downtown in the dark. she rides her bike everywhere. when i arrived at the bar and she was nowhere in sight, except for my gay boyfriend who was tagging along for the night, i called her. that was when she told me she was in the ER because she had been hit by a drunk driver! it was surreal, and she sounded in shock. the damage is: her pinkie is fractured, she has cuts all over her body, her foot is banged up, and she lost her shoe. other than that, she's going to be o.k. luckily, she was not seriously hurt. the man who hit her was so drunk at 9:30 at night that even when the police arrested him, he tried to get back into his car to drive home. it was a truly f*cked up incident. i think that he should have to pay for some spa treatments, plus new shoes and a new bike for her, in addition to covering her medical bills. it was more or less a hit and run accident, had it not been for some people who forced the man not to flee. the news made for a strange night at the bar. there were actually a lot of women out, and some i would have been interested in talking to. the annoying part is that the bartender said to my gay boyfriend: "so...is your girlfriend always so shy?" he said: "um..she's not my girlfriend. we're both gay." she then gave me this look, like she was seeing me in a whole new light. gay, huh. we realized that people look at us and probably assume that we're together, and maybe even think that we've come to the gay bar to pick up another woman for a threesome, which is SO far from the truth. we might have to make t-shirts that read "we're not together." he loves hanging out with lesbians, so i feel unbelievably blessed that i have a friend like him to go out to places like this with me. i happen to love gay men, so it seems to work both ways. i just enjoyed the eye candy. it's not making the first move that scares me. it's not rejection that scares me. it's being involved with someone who 1. simply wants to sleep with me and 2. will abandon me for someone else. being hurt is my ultimate fear. i want a real relationship, a lover who wants me to be lady no. 1 in her life. i feel hopeless, almost, that i will never find a woman who meets me halfway again. yinon was there to snap me out of that irrational fear. i won't always be alone. i will indefinitely fall in love again. i only wish i could fast-forward time to that place. i have daydreams about my future life with this partner.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
here is mischa lounging on her green chair. i could not believe it when i watched her open the cabinet in the kitchen last night, remove the catnip lid, and help herself to a snack! having a beta fish might not be such a grand idea. she would be able to remove whatever lid i've placed on the tank and go for the fish.
this morning i met some friends for a swedish teenage vampire movie. the glitch was that it only showed at 11 a.m. what with the blood and violence, most of our lunch went untouched. i could not open the ketchup for the french fries.
i have found a position here that i would like to interview for. i devoted several hours to composing the most. compelling. cover letter. ever. a new art gallery is in search of a candidate to manage their art outreach classes, and they want someone with a master's degree and a strong background in the arts and social work, with some management experience. the classes are for people with and without special needs, but most concentrated on the special needs population. we'll see what happens.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
rolling.
last night i walked in the door to find my cat, mischa, rolling around on the dining room floor in a whole jar full of catnip. she had cleverly knocked over the jar from the table and let it spill, getting higher than a kite and covered from head to paws in catnip. it's too bad i didn't take a photo. she is the most cuddly, affectionate ball of fur and flabbiness, and loves to be the center of attention. the evening must have been like x-mas to her.
i'm thinking about getting a beta fish this year and a ton of plants. oh- and i'll be moving. i may have found a new place to move into in june. my friend is most likely moving out of his 1950s duplex, leaving a vacant room with his roommate who will need a new roommate to move in. the place is adorable and f*cked up in the all the right places. hardwood floors, a fifties kitchen with black and white tile, two bedrooms, windows looking out onto trees. it has the charm that i'm looking for and is located in a cozy neighborhood north of the university. summer feels like the perfect time to move and i would love to have a roommate to keep me company. as long as he is fine with mischa and she is fine with him, i think it might work out. i'm not accustomed to living with someone. it's been years, in fact. but i welcome a change. i look forward to evenings chatting with my roommate over cups of tea. the only reservation i have about living with someone is.... what about sex?
my current place is so creatively un-inspiring. sure, it's been christened with sex with my ex, but artistically, i've felt deadened. it's brand new with white walls, white carpet (who puts in white carpet?), and most of the people who live in the building seem business like and republican. the kitchen is gorgeous, though, the nicest kitchen i have ever cooked in with hardwood floors, black granite counters, and elegant lighting. the bathroom has a huge garden tub and more marble. the balcony overlooks downtown. i have a washer and drier, a large walk-in closet, and built-in bookcases, tons of windows that let in the sunshine. it's a luxury space and i should be grateful for the chance to have a home that is not depressing, yet it's becoming too expensive and i'm not able to create in it. i flourished artistically in my old, dark apartment off of south first street with the cracked vinyl. weird, eh? i want to move somewhere that inspires me again. i'm not that happy living here. it's not ME.
i'm thinking about getting a beta fish this year and a ton of plants. oh- and i'll be moving. i may have found a new place to move into in june. my friend is most likely moving out of his 1950s duplex, leaving a vacant room with his roommate who will need a new roommate to move in. the place is adorable and f*cked up in the all the right places. hardwood floors, a fifties kitchen with black and white tile, two bedrooms, windows looking out onto trees. it has the charm that i'm looking for and is located in a cozy neighborhood north of the university. summer feels like the perfect time to move and i would love to have a roommate to keep me company. as long as he is fine with mischa and she is fine with him, i think it might work out. i'm not accustomed to living with someone. it's been years, in fact. but i welcome a change. i look forward to evenings chatting with my roommate over cups of tea. the only reservation i have about living with someone is.... what about sex?
my current place is so creatively un-inspiring. sure, it's been christened with sex with my ex, but artistically, i've felt deadened. it's brand new with white walls, white carpet (who puts in white carpet?), and most of the people who live in the building seem business like and republican. the kitchen is gorgeous, though, the nicest kitchen i have ever cooked in with hardwood floors, black granite counters, and elegant lighting. the bathroom has a huge garden tub and more marble. the balcony overlooks downtown. i have a washer and drier, a large walk-in closet, and built-in bookcases, tons of windows that let in the sunshine. it's a luxury space and i should be grateful for the chance to have a home that is not depressing, yet it's becoming too expensive and i'm not able to create in it. i flourished artistically in my old, dark apartment off of south first street with the cracked vinyl. weird, eh? i want to move somewhere that inspires me again. i'm not that happy living here. it's not ME.
Monday, January 5, 2009
be careful what you wish for.
one of the baristas at the coffee house said today: "you mean...you haven't found a job yet?"
it's a sensitive subject. i'm actively applying. trust me on that. i'm doing what i can. i know that something good will come along. it must. on some days, like today, i feel as though i'm not doing enough work in the world, and i'm not talking about the paid sort of work. (funny i should say this now that i'm unemployed). i always live as if i'm about to die any day now, which probably explains my tendency toward impulsiveness and speed. i wish to spend my time doing work that actually matters, you know, work that is enriching lives, because as soon as you die, how you have treated people around you is what matters most. that is how i see it. i've spent quite a few years in offices in front of a computer doing paperwork to pay the bills. be careful what you wish for, because i did wish that i no longer had to work for the company i was at. i had even confided in close friends that i wanted to do something else back in october, and bam, i was out of a job the following week. apparently, my thoughts are powerfully manifested. i'm now concentrating on these words:
+i will find a job soon and i will love it.
+i will meet someone fabulous this year and i will fall in love again.
there. i got that off my chest. i'm sending out positive vibes.
the editor at the publishing co. is still reviewing my manuscript. i wish he would say YES, we would love to publish your work. it's this project looming over my head. he wrote today that he will get back to me soon. oh- patience has never been one of my virtues. come hell or high water, the book will be printed and bound and on the shelf at bookwoman. it would be most excellent of him if he wants to support a local poet. the book is in part protest of prop. 8, 69 pages chock full of poetry on politics, lesbian love, sex, rainbows, and city life.
it's a sensitive subject. i'm actively applying. trust me on that. i'm doing what i can. i know that something good will come along. it must. on some days, like today, i feel as though i'm not doing enough work in the world, and i'm not talking about the paid sort of work. (funny i should say this now that i'm unemployed). i always live as if i'm about to die any day now, which probably explains my tendency toward impulsiveness and speed. i wish to spend my time doing work that actually matters, you know, work that is enriching lives, because as soon as you die, how you have treated people around you is what matters most. that is how i see it. i've spent quite a few years in offices in front of a computer doing paperwork to pay the bills. be careful what you wish for, because i did wish that i no longer had to work for the company i was at. i had even confided in close friends that i wanted to do something else back in october, and bam, i was out of a job the following week. apparently, my thoughts are powerfully manifested. i'm now concentrating on these words:
+i will find a job soon and i will love it.
+i will meet someone fabulous this year and i will fall in love again.
there. i got that off my chest. i'm sending out positive vibes.
the editor at the publishing co. is still reviewing my manuscript. i wish he would say YES, we would love to publish your work. it's this project looming over my head. he wrote today that he will get back to me soon. oh- patience has never been one of my virtues. come hell or high water, the book will be printed and bound and on the shelf at bookwoman. it would be most excellent of him if he wants to support a local poet. the book is in part protest of prop. 8, 69 pages chock full of poetry on politics, lesbian love, sex, rainbows, and city life.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
the new year.
the first post of 2009. i attended a potluck dinner with yinon and he was such a gold-star gay boy for going to a lesbian party with me after that. the moment we walked in, we got some looks. i saw one woman look at me and mouth to another: "straight." she was obviously from the dark ages. how can you know what someone is by looking at them? it ennerved me. i was dressed up for the night in black tights, a skirt, and a sexy top that shows some cleavage, partially revealed beneath my black coat, and after some years of dressing down my flaming femininity to somehow fit in more with the lesbian community, i have swung back in the opposite direction. i will be openly bisexual or feminine or whatever i am and not care what some people think. what it comes down to is embracing and valuing who you are. i told yinon that if any women gave him trouble, they would have to deal with me and my high heels :) no one was rude from that point on. we had fun drinking glasses of wine and chatting with a few ladies, and stood around a bonfire, soaking in the warmth from the crackling fire, listening to the musician perform. the night was ended with a view of fireworks flashing over downtown and sitting in his kitchen with a cup of hot tea. i like today because today is the day that i let go of negative energy from the last year. today is a clean slate. a new beginning. it feels liberating and exciting. e was my first real lesbian relationship. she was my first true lover. i want to honor her place in my world and be able to move onto a new relationship with someone else.
my horoscope of the day:
Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn't about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it's about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things -- things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can't do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you'll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be.
my horoscope of the day:
Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn't about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it's about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things -- things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can't do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you'll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be.
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