on the windowshield of my car i found a sheet of notebook paper with this scribbled across the page in pen:
you are gorgeous.
xxx-xxx-xxxx
no name. no apartment number. that is what i know about my flattering albeit creepy secret admirer. he knows what i look like. he knows my car. he knows which floor i live on. i'm going to be looking over my shoulder now. i'm obsessed with finding out who this is. i have to wonder if a second note will follow.
i met alicia for lunch at bouldin creek to read over paperwork for our new house. we're excited to move in in three weeks. then i had the car washed at a place on south lamar, visited victoria's secret to stock up on the important undergarments, and bought groceries from wheatsville co-op. it has been a typical saturday afternoon filled with going out to eat, driving, and chores. laundry is on the to-do list tonight, for which i have a bottle of south african white wine chilling at home in the fridge.
i'm convinced that when your physical space is in order, you will have greater clarity in your creative life. i feel lighter and better already. there is no more "junk in the trunk," so to speak. the upcoming move is forcing me to get rid of what i no longer use and to straighten up what i have stashed away in the closet. i don't want to carry around this extra baggage, which has created an emotional blockage with creativity, maybe relationships, and clarity. not only that, i'm more conscientious about energy conservation, recycling, and being as organic as i can be. our house is going green.
already i'm thinking about what i would like to plant. definitely basil, rosemary, thyme, cilantro, tomatoes, carrots, and lettuce in the vegetable patch. rose bushes, salvia greggi, honeysuckle, jasmine, lantana, prickly cacti, agave, yucca, and more native plants in the front. how i love the southern climate. we want to also paint the front door and have potted plants out on the front and back porches. it is not that the house itself has not been taken care of by the owner. it is more that the owner has not been able to bring out the charm of the house. he is obviously not an artist or a gardener, but is fortunately open to us enhancing the value of the property.
some people don't know that i used to work at a greenhouse. i learned a lot about taking care of plants from the owners. i went on to take a class from the community college on landscape design and native plants to central texas. our instructor would have us meet at numerous nurseries around the city and walked us through the sections, plant by plant. we divided the time between studying in the classroom and learning at the garden centers. my heart was very much in following a path of working as an independent landscape designer, however, i felt overwhelmed with their certification curriculum and with how long it would take me to complete. around that time, i made the decision to pursue a master's degree in english at st. ed's, thinking it would be somehow safer and more logical to bank on my writing/editing skills for a career and to have a master's degree instead of a mere certificate from a community college.
lately i've been thinking more about trying to generate some business as a writer/editor AND partaking in landscape design for people who are interested. the bottom line, i think, is to become self-employed, to no longer live the 9 to 5 corporate existence, to be free to follow creative pursuits for a living. this week i suffered from the discovery of a cum-like stain on my chair monday morning, which had to be exchanged for another and created a huge scene in my division. the woman next to me said, "what is the cleaning crew doing over the weekend?!" everyone wanted to look at the chair stains, which i wanted to believe were from white-out, but everyone knew that it was not white-out. i laughed more when i had to edit the travel ad from a man named titti. yeah. titti. his property description was even more suggestive, including words like "pearl" and "limpid river" and "sensuous." gotta love the italians. imagine him introducing himself to women. "hello signorita, my name is ti-tee. do you haf any italian in you? no? would you vanta some?"
p wanted to read some of my poetry before our photo shoot together and part of her reaction about my work was along the lines of how i'm brave to make myself so vulnerable to strangers, to be that open about sex and relationships. i think that in my day to day existence, i'm a generally quiet and subtle presence. writing is the outlet i have for opening up to the world and expressing my exhibitionist, colorful side. sometimes this openness shocks people who does not expect it to come from someone quiet like me. i'm drawn to dance and performance for the same reason. where else can i express myself in those bold, sexual, radical ways?
art has been carthartic and healing and wonderful and life changing.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
happy spring, happy new beginnings
i met up with p, my photographer friend, at whole foods, not to take photos this time but to get to know each other more. she likes to capture people's energy, she explained, and wanted to have a stronger sense about me before doing a photoshoot together. all i need is one photograph for the back cover. one good photograph. p literally fell into my life this spring. i love it when serendipity happens. what's a little eerie about our introduction is that she invited me the first time to come out with her and some friends, and those friends included my ex girlfriend, whom i had no clue she was friends with. what's more is p is BFF's with e's ex girlfriend, k, and k and i both dated the same woman right before we got into a relationship with e, and we both broke up with e, and i used to have a distant crush on k. am i making your head spin? k and i have never met face to face, but we have a knack for attracting the same women to our side. that makes three women in a row now. i'm excited about having p take some photos soon. the book is almost, almost complete.
the beauty about spring, to me, is the birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and the world feels suddenly lighter and fresh. i noticed today that it smells like spring, and i watched a blue bird perched on a tree limb calling out in tunes that only other birds comprehend. perhaps it was its mating call. i felt the urge to dig my hands into the soil right then, except had to face the return to the office. i wish for a more organic, simplistic existence with the house, the garden, and space to create. at heart i'm probably a hippie. "what do you really want to do?" p asked me. besides writing and art, i'm somewhat shy to say what i wish i could be doing as it goes against what i was in school for, like i've wasted parts of myself or something. designing gardens is what i would really be doing, and yet, i did not have the guts to go into that with her. p is an artist, and actually earns her living now as a photographer, occasionally supplementing her income as a vet tech. i'm fascinated right now with people who work for themselves and would like to be able to make that my reality in the future. when i look at her, i see how my life could be in my thirties, that when I turn 36, the world is not gonna split open and fall apart.
i wanted to spend an hour in the morning waking up slowly, doing some peaceful meditation, watching the sun rise. instead, i woke up feeling sleep deprived and rushed to get ready for the office. i hate this. i need to find a way out.
the beauty about spring, to me, is the birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and the world feels suddenly lighter and fresh. i noticed today that it smells like spring, and i watched a blue bird perched on a tree limb calling out in tunes that only other birds comprehend. perhaps it was its mating call. i felt the urge to dig my hands into the soil right then, except had to face the return to the office. i wish for a more organic, simplistic existence with the house, the garden, and space to create. at heart i'm probably a hippie. "what do you really want to do?" p asked me. besides writing and art, i'm somewhat shy to say what i wish i could be doing as it goes against what i was in school for, like i've wasted parts of myself or something. designing gardens is what i would really be doing, and yet, i did not have the guts to go into that with her. p is an artist, and actually earns her living now as a photographer, occasionally supplementing her income as a vet tech. i'm fascinated right now with people who work for themselves and would like to be able to make that my reality in the future. when i look at her, i see how my life could be in my thirties, that when I turn 36, the world is not gonna split open and fall apart.
i wanted to spend an hour in the morning waking up slowly, doing some peaceful meditation, watching the sun rise. instead, i woke up feeling sleep deprived and rushed to get ready for the office. i hate this. i need to find a way out.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
happy birthday to mischa and me
contrary to past birthday celebrations i've decided to spend most of the day at home with mischa doing whatever i feel like. my brother and his girlfriend drove into town to surprise me last night, and so i had a birthday family dinner and blew out a single candle on a chocolate cupcake. my brother made a big mistake and thought that i was turning 30. newly 29, i told him how old i actually am and that i would save the card for next year. he also committed the same mistake when our dad turned 59 last year. we will, of course, need to give him a happy 30th birthday card when he's 29 to carry on this family tradition.
had i not chosen to stay in, i might not have had a chance encounter with a neighbor today who is some sort of writer and book publicist. he's sending me info on promoting my book and has offered to place me in touch with some publishers for the future, which is exactly what i could use. on a whim, he gave me a derrick brown poetry book as a gift, and signed it with birthday wishes on the inside cover. so sweet. the gesture has lifted me from this otherwise downward spiralling mood.
i think it could be related to the chaos of the move, the need to find a better job, the details surrounding the book release, waking up to a partner-less life and no health insurance and filing taxes, and i'm reminded of the celebration from last year, including the falling outs that ensued in the wake. almost everything feels heavy today. i was feeling so cantankerous that i postponed my photo shoot with paige. i had breakfast at bouldin creek alone with the newspaper where i had to wait almost an hour for my food. even though i'm comfortable going places alone, it felt somehow wrong on this day, and the long wait got under my skin.
i'm in a funk. it's probably for the best that i'm spending the night at home. tomorrow will be a better day.
had i not chosen to stay in, i might not have had a chance encounter with a neighbor today who is some sort of writer and book publicist. he's sending me info on promoting my book and has offered to place me in touch with some publishers for the future, which is exactly what i could use. on a whim, he gave me a derrick brown poetry book as a gift, and signed it with birthday wishes on the inside cover. so sweet. the gesture has lifted me from this otherwise downward spiralling mood.
i think it could be related to the chaos of the move, the need to find a better job, the details surrounding the book release, waking up to a partner-less life and no health insurance and filing taxes, and i'm reminded of the celebration from last year, including the falling outs that ensued in the wake. almost everything feels heavy today. i was feeling so cantankerous that i postponed my photo shoot with paige. i had breakfast at bouldin creek alone with the newspaper where i had to wait almost an hour for my food. even though i'm comfortable going places alone, it felt somehow wrong on this day, and the long wait got under my skin.
i'm in a funk. it's probably for the best that i'm spending the night at home. tomorrow will be a better day.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
i met agatha for sushi & drinks at silhouette and we talked business. she's graciously taking care of the last minute details with the book, preparing the text and cover so that it can be sent as a pdf to the publishing place, and today several friend photographers have offered to take my portrait for the back cover. i feel blessed, and like the book is going to be a collective piece of art to give to the world. i'm toying around with what costume i want to wear for the photoshoot. should it go according to plans, the book will be available around the beginning to middle of may, offered online and hopefully in local bookstores. fingers crossed for smooth sailing, kids. i'm an aries, fabulous with beginnings and horrible with taking projects to completion. thank goodness i have friends to walk me to the finish line.
i drove past our future house on cherrywood, another manifestation of dreams. it's in a cozy neighborhood that has the old austin charm. i'll have to acclimate to living in a smaller space - 900 square feet total. no dishwasher and a bedroom only large around for a double bed and my skinny dresser. i'm relieved that the process of house hunting is over and done with, but i have so much to do to move in. wish i could be like samantha from "bewitched," wiggle my nose, have these visions happen.
the last time i had a roommate was when i lived in the haunted apartment down in san marcos. we didn't know it was haunted upon moving in, but i can recall having that feeling of being watched from the first night i was there. in the beginning, i tried to shake off those feelings and rationalized that i was simply acclimating to the new space. but always, especially when alone at night, i would have that feeling of someone else being around me. the clocks in our kitchen constantly switched off and turned back on. my alarm clock would go out. i would sometimes have the creepy feeling that someone was standing right behind me in the kitchen, but would turn around and no one would be there. leah had this african clock hanging above the table that had a new battery but mysteriously stopped working. she could never figure out what the deal was.
about a month into living in the apartment, i was home alone one night reading in bed. i glanced up from my book to see an empty glass sliding across the surface of my desk, moving on its own from one end to the next, stopping dead at the edge of the table. it was so startling and surreal that i laughed. out loud. i knew i was not alone and decided to leave until leah returned. when i walked out of the bedroom and reached for the keys, my bedroom door slammed behind me. a hostile gesture.
i got out of the front door so fast that i did not even lock it, and did not have the courage to go back for several hours. i came home and leah was sitting at the kitchen table. the first words out of her mouth were, "hey, thanks so much for fixing my clock." the african clock was ticking away on the wall and i had never touched it. i noticed that the clock on the microwave had switched off again. at that point, i decided to have a candid chat with her, no matter what she thought. our apartment was haunted and i had to talk to someone. so i recounted the details of the evening and she confessed that she thought she had been going "crazy" thinking that someone was watching her, seeing objects suddenly moving out of the corner of her eye, and witnessing the ridiculousness with the clocks.
needless to say, i was spooked that night and had this insane "talk" with the ghost. i told it that this was our home and that i did not want it bothering us anymore. he or she needed to move on to the other side. it was time to go. did i feel that it was still there with us? yes. i could never quite gauge whether or not it was a man or a woman. somehow i sensed it was a male presence and that he liked pulling pranks on us. did i want to stay here? no way. the next day, i told leah that i was moving out. i found someone new to move into the room.
fingers are crossed that the new house is not inhabited by a prankster ghost.
i drove past our future house on cherrywood, another manifestation of dreams. it's in a cozy neighborhood that has the old austin charm. i'll have to acclimate to living in a smaller space - 900 square feet total. no dishwasher and a bedroom only large around for a double bed and my skinny dresser. i'm relieved that the process of house hunting is over and done with, but i have so much to do to move in. wish i could be like samantha from "bewitched," wiggle my nose, have these visions happen.
the last time i had a roommate was when i lived in the haunted apartment down in san marcos. we didn't know it was haunted upon moving in, but i can recall having that feeling of being watched from the first night i was there. in the beginning, i tried to shake off those feelings and rationalized that i was simply acclimating to the new space. but always, especially when alone at night, i would have that feeling of someone else being around me. the clocks in our kitchen constantly switched off and turned back on. my alarm clock would go out. i would sometimes have the creepy feeling that someone was standing right behind me in the kitchen, but would turn around and no one would be there. leah had this african clock hanging above the table that had a new battery but mysteriously stopped working. she could never figure out what the deal was.
about a month into living in the apartment, i was home alone one night reading in bed. i glanced up from my book to see an empty glass sliding across the surface of my desk, moving on its own from one end to the next, stopping dead at the edge of the table. it was so startling and surreal that i laughed. out loud. i knew i was not alone and decided to leave until leah returned. when i walked out of the bedroom and reached for the keys, my bedroom door slammed behind me. a hostile gesture.
i got out of the front door so fast that i did not even lock it, and did not have the courage to go back for several hours. i came home and leah was sitting at the kitchen table. the first words out of her mouth were, "hey, thanks so much for fixing my clock." the african clock was ticking away on the wall and i had never touched it. i noticed that the clock on the microwave had switched off again. at that point, i decided to have a candid chat with her, no matter what she thought. our apartment was haunted and i had to talk to someone. so i recounted the details of the evening and she confessed that she thought she had been going "crazy" thinking that someone was watching her, seeing objects suddenly moving out of the corner of her eye, and witnessing the ridiculousness with the clocks.
needless to say, i was spooked that night and had this insane "talk" with the ghost. i told it that this was our home and that i did not want it bothering us anymore. he or she needed to move on to the other side. it was time to go. did i feel that it was still there with us? yes. i could never quite gauge whether or not it was a man or a woman. somehow i sensed it was a male presence and that he liked pulling pranks on us. did i want to stay here? no way. the next day, i told leah that i was moving out. i found someone new to move into the room.
fingers are crossed that the new house is not inhabited by a prankster ghost.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
some news.
tonight we found our new home! it is a small, cozy, two-bedroom, old house on the east side, completely renovated, with a front porch and a plot for a vegetable garden in the back, all for the price of what i've been paying per month on the money sucking apartment. i felt creatively awakened the moment the landlady showed us through the front door, and we both knew that we wanted this house. the move-in date will be may 1st. i can bid farewell to apartment life. at long last.
the realtor who took us to view several houses this weekend told us that we would never find a good house in the price range we wanted in central austin. i thought that was bullshit. i drove through the quaint neighborhoods i would want to live in, writing down phone numbers on the back of receipts and making calls to find out prices. our house is not only what we wanted to pay for rent but is located in the prime area of the city and has all the features we have been searching for in a home, and other houses are available in this price range. my faith in do-it-yourself was restored.
she had taken us to see rather bland houses on the north side of the city, and in one that was built in the fifties, i had a creepy feeling in the kitchen that it was haunted, that something bad had happened in that kitchen. given that i have had to move out from a place due to a haunting, i learned to trust what i feel and announced that i had a negative feeling about living in that house and wanted to leave right away. the realtor gave me this deer-in-headlights look and could not sense it. my housemate admitted she did as well. i believe that houses can retain the energy of people who have lived there before, and sometimes, you are not alone when you think you are. i had a positive feeling in our house. no disturbing vibes. my housemate asked me point blank about the "reading" i got on spirits. ha.
the realtor who took us to view several houses this weekend told us that we would never find a good house in the price range we wanted in central austin. i thought that was bullshit. i drove through the quaint neighborhoods i would want to live in, writing down phone numbers on the back of receipts and making calls to find out prices. our house is not only what we wanted to pay for rent but is located in the prime area of the city and has all the features we have been searching for in a home, and other houses are available in this price range. my faith in do-it-yourself was restored.
she had taken us to see rather bland houses on the north side of the city, and in one that was built in the fifties, i had a creepy feeling in the kitchen that it was haunted, that something bad had happened in that kitchen. given that i have had to move out from a place due to a haunting, i learned to trust what i feel and announced that i had a negative feeling about living in that house and wanted to leave right away. the realtor gave me this deer-in-headlights look and could not sense it. my housemate admitted she did as well. i believe that houses can retain the energy of people who have lived there before, and sometimes, you are not alone when you think you are. i had a positive feeling in our house. no disturbing vibes. my housemate asked me point blank about the "reading" i got on spirits. ha.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
trashy.
last night was surreal.
i was at the goth club downtown surrounded by women, mirrors, and costumes, hanging out backstage for several hours. one woman, dressed in a sexy black slip and orange paper flower in her hair, sat on the floor with me and did my makeup, transporting me back to my youth. she darkened my eyes and added blue shimmer, giving me an exotic look. others were changing in and out of costumes around us, male and female drag costumes that incorporated some alternative materials. it was a trashy fashion show after all- our costumes needed to reflect an element of the recyclable.
c's skirt was comprised of silver coffee packets and magazine cut-outs sewn into an amazing tutu. my friend tara was dressed as a flapper. her dress had plastic spoons stitched along the front that flapped up and down as she walked. my outfit, as i've written about before, involved the use of blue, spray painted cosmetic wedges, glued to the mini skirt and bra by c, the producer and designer of the drag shows.
28, soon to be 29, i looked like a hooker on acid and never thought i would be doing what i was doing. sometimes it is positive to force yourself into a radically different situation for a night. the band stopped playing around 11 and all 17 models lined up backstage and did a secret cheer, waiting to walk in front of the crowd. tara and i went out together for our 30 seconds of stage time. the lights were bright and people's faces were covered with a haze. our routine was over fast and before i knew it i was taking off the high heels and the fishnets.
the part of the night that got to me (a little) was knowing that my ex decided not to model because i was going to be in the show, and not only that, boycotted the event completely, despite the fact that many of her friends were in the show. it disappoints me to face that she is that childish and more disappointing to see that i wasted energy on that relationship. even if we had stayed together, i imagine i would have been dealing with her childishness and mean streak and would we still be together? i shift my attention back to what is important: loving life.
i devoted ten minutes this morning to washing away the heavy makeup from last night's interesting venture into performance art. my cat must have been terrified to see me upon waking, eye liner and eye shadow smudged around each eye. i had stayed for some time after the show talking to friends and new people, and it was late by the time i was home, feeling too lazy to take off the makeup. i do not know if i will perform with the drag troupe ever again in my life, but the subject is up for discussion. i felt good dressing up and being in someone else's shoes for a short time on stage. as cheasy as it might sound, performing made me feel free and powerful and like i can get through some difficult experiences and emerge standing strong. it has this healing power that i cannot describe here. you have to experience it to believe it.
year 28 of life has been fucking hell, if you ask me, and i'm looking forward to kissing it goodbye on april 11th. but i did challenge myself to do more this year. i'll give you the full list: studying buddhism and positive thinking, nude art modelling, doing spoken word performance, the poetry book, the fashion show, being involved with numerous clubs, quitting smoking, and expanding my circle of friends. when i blew out the candles on my birthday cupcakes a year ago, i had wished for "an x-rated year." i so wanted my ex-girlfriend to want to be with me. i wanted passionate sex. i wanted to be lucky in love. even though i did not get what i wanted in romance, in a sense, i think i have received that x-rated wish, ending the year dancing on stage for a crowd dressed like a stripper and having the charcoal nude drawing of me, rendered by a local artist, as living proof of living more wildly.
i was at the goth club downtown surrounded by women, mirrors, and costumes, hanging out backstage for several hours. one woman, dressed in a sexy black slip and orange paper flower in her hair, sat on the floor with me and did my makeup, transporting me back to my youth. she darkened my eyes and added blue shimmer, giving me an exotic look. others were changing in and out of costumes around us, male and female drag costumes that incorporated some alternative materials. it was a trashy fashion show after all- our costumes needed to reflect an element of the recyclable.
c's skirt was comprised of silver coffee packets and magazine cut-outs sewn into an amazing tutu. my friend tara was dressed as a flapper. her dress had plastic spoons stitched along the front that flapped up and down as she walked. my outfit, as i've written about before, involved the use of blue, spray painted cosmetic wedges, glued to the mini skirt and bra by c, the producer and designer of the drag shows.
28, soon to be 29, i looked like a hooker on acid and never thought i would be doing what i was doing. sometimes it is positive to force yourself into a radically different situation for a night. the band stopped playing around 11 and all 17 models lined up backstage and did a secret cheer, waiting to walk in front of the crowd. tara and i went out together for our 30 seconds of stage time. the lights were bright and people's faces were covered with a haze. our routine was over fast and before i knew it i was taking off the high heels and the fishnets.
the part of the night that got to me (a little) was knowing that my ex decided not to model because i was going to be in the show, and not only that, boycotted the event completely, despite the fact that many of her friends were in the show. it disappoints me to face that she is that childish and more disappointing to see that i wasted energy on that relationship. even if we had stayed together, i imagine i would have been dealing with her childishness and mean streak and would we still be together? i shift my attention back to what is important: loving life.
i devoted ten minutes this morning to washing away the heavy makeup from last night's interesting venture into performance art. my cat must have been terrified to see me upon waking, eye liner and eye shadow smudged around each eye. i had stayed for some time after the show talking to friends and new people, and it was late by the time i was home, feeling too lazy to take off the makeup. i do not know if i will perform with the drag troupe ever again in my life, but the subject is up for discussion. i felt good dressing up and being in someone else's shoes for a short time on stage. as cheasy as it might sound, performing made me feel free and powerful and like i can get through some difficult experiences and emerge standing strong. it has this healing power that i cannot describe here. you have to experience it to believe it.
year 28 of life has been fucking hell, if you ask me, and i'm looking forward to kissing it goodbye on april 11th. but i did challenge myself to do more this year. i'll give you the full list: studying buddhism and positive thinking, nude art modelling, doing spoken word performance, the poetry book, the fashion show, being involved with numerous clubs, quitting smoking, and expanding my circle of friends. when i blew out the candles on my birthday cupcakes a year ago, i had wished for "an x-rated year." i so wanted my ex-girlfriend to want to be with me. i wanted passionate sex. i wanted to be lucky in love. even though i did not get what i wanted in romance, in a sense, i think i have received that x-rated wish, ending the year dancing on stage for a crowd dressed like a stripper and having the charcoal nude drawing of me, rendered by a local artist, as living proof of living more wildly.
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