yesterday a woman blatantly came onto me- the attention was flattering but not reciprocal on my side. how does one communicate "you're just not my type" without deflating another's ego? because she was so brutally direct, i was direct with my answer, and she slinked away, a hint of woundedness in her voice. i was at the grocery store near my office this afternoon- i had gone in on a mission to find the saltiest, greasiest potato chips to fulfill my p.m.s. cravings, and the effing organic store did not carry any of such, giving me no choice but to select the salt and vinegar, low fat, air-puffed potato chips (tasteless)- and standing in the checkout line was a woman who literally made me almost lose my potato chips. she looked like ani difranco. i'm not exaggerating. the resemblance was uncanny. she was so cute and exuded this amazing ENRG and i thought to myself, "yes!" sadly, there was no way i could strike up conversation with this ani d. twin (and what would i even say?). she was ahead of me in line and walked out, disappearing into the parking lot, and i was left with my fantasies and the $3.00 bag of potato chips i could not stomach to eat.

mercury or lead tomatoes anyone?

i had these grand gardening plans to plant an elaborate vegetable and herb garden in our backyard. that beautiful vision came crashing down when my sister, the real estate lawyer, mentioned that i might want to have the level of lead in the soil checked before doing so. because this is such an old house (circa 1930ish) and had lead paint on the outside of the house at one time, it would have leaked into the soil and most likely is still present. she said that she often handles cases with old houses where she reviews the level of lead reported in the soil. there's nothing like growing organic lead vegetables, is there? she said that i might be able to have the city check the soil for free. i'm thinking that we could consider planting a raised bed in the far part of the backyard, or have potted vegetables and herbs on a patch. no lead soil, of course! growing in lead soil would sorta defeat the purpose of having a vegetable garden. i wonder if other avid gardeners out there know about checking the soil for lead concentration. i love our old house, but dammit, my garden plans are thrown off track. i can still proceed with planting the flowers and bushes since we won't be eating those.

in true texas tradition it has been raining in a torrential downpour this whole day, and the driveway has been transformed into a serious pathway of mud. i had to get out my high doc marten boots and the umbrella to reach my car. the backseat is still filled with some boxes i haven't had the energy to bring into the house, and i still have to organize my bedroom this weekend. oh-my housemate has left for a week-long vacation leaving me alone with the house and the two cats. i dig this solitude. i've caught up on sleep, done some cooking and entertaining to candles, and have actually had the chance to read books for fun. i'm reading a memoir by anne lamott and a book on ancient spiritiual wisdom to live by called "the four agreements." what i've found most useful is the part on how our words are the power we have to create. you can create beauty, love, and 'heaven' with your words or you can destroy everything and create hell. our words are pure magic, or our words are black magic. i'm fascinated with musicians, poets, writers, and motivational speakers because of their power and influence on the world with words.

my brother, his girlfriend, and my sister are in town for the weekend. i had them over last night for wine, french bread, and cheeses, and that has been it as far as the excitement goes for now.

sneak preview

agatha still needs to add my name to the front cover of the book, but i thought i would give you a sneak preview of her design. you've been listening to me ramble on about this project for months and deserve a visual image. i'm hoping to send the pdf to the publishing place this next week.

good morning.

today i woke up in our new house, feeling refreshed after eleven hours of deep and peaceful sleep, the sunlight greeting me through the living room shades. i got mexican food for a big lunch at el chile down the street. people sat outside at tables drinking oversized margarita glasses, and the smells of cinnamon, chiles, and cilantro stopped me to drink in the ambience. there is this quote i heard that resonates with me: "the greatest voyages of discovery are made not with seeing new landscapes but with having new eyes." i don't need to leave the city to experience a changed perspective. our neighborhood has the mexican restaurant, a hipster coffee house, and streets of old houses filled with college students, married couples, and young people living together, railroad tracks cutting down the center of it. being in a house is already changing my outlook. i feel more grounded. we live right next to a quiet, trickling creek and one house from the railroad tracks. nestled behind us are two duplexes, and we share the same gravel driveway. some of my good friends live in this neighborhood. we sit in each other's houses and talk and drink. is it a surprise, i wonder, that i love drinking? i remember being that girl who would have half a beer at parties in college, the perpetual designated driver, the one who hated the feeling of life becoming foggy and ambiguous. years later, i've acquired a great love for wine, beer, and whisky. p commented the other day that i must like "everything being foggier." maybe. she met me yesterday evening for the photoshoot in front of a victorian brick building, with a chain fence and graffiti and an alley way to play around with. i selected her to take my photo for the poetry book because a) i wanted it to involve local women artists and b) i feel comfortable and at ease around her. word of advice is to never model for a photographer you do not feel chemistry with because chances are the photos will not reflect the true you. i did that once some time ago, and was not happy with the photos. i had a hard time determining what to wear for this shoot, and settled on a blue jeans, tank top, and puma sneakers look. nothing formal or dressy. i think agatha is finalizing the layout this week, and then the book will be published! the book has been 'my baby' for several years, and the novel is like 'my marriage.' i have to wonder when i will meet my real significant other, outside of the world of books. i've shifted my thinking from "if" to "when" it will happen. i will fall in love and probably get married and probably have a child one day. on friday, i went to see a woman i used to date perform. she is now the lead celloist in a band. i sat down near the front of the stage and watched her play. the music and the movement of her fingers across strings under bright lights made my past flash before my eyes. she had no idea, did she, that i had come out just to see her, and surely no one in that audience knew about the history i had with her. for about 3 years she and i have not spoken that much and i was determined to reconnect. after she got off the stage, i tapped her shoulder, she turned around, and we spent the next two hours immersed in conversation. she lives in a house with her girlfriend now. we are going to start hanging out again. the eerie fact i learned is that her birthday is the same day as my ex-girlfriend's. june 7th. i don't know what it is about people born on that day, but we are drawn to each other for some reason. after 2 a.m., she lugged out her cello from the club and walked me to my car parked eight blocks down the street. i rolled home around 3 and crashed on the couch.

hello my friends and lurkers:

thank you for still reading. i'm alive and writing, albeit finding my way through a state of chaos, which is what the month of may is going to probably be. we moved into the house this weekend, and the amount of work carved out feels neverending. i've been sleeping on the couch in the living room because my bedroom is cluttered with boxes and trash bags. i forget where i placed the bed sheets and my socks. last night i carried the last box into the house after spending midnight to 3 a.m. cleaning the apartment, feeling like a mad woman scrubbing pumpkin pie stains off of the inside of the oven from that pie i had baked in november for the autumn party (?) by the time i drove to the house and unloaded the car, tip-toeing through the dark grass, it was 4 in the morning and i had to wake at 6:45 to get going to the office. so much has gone awry that it's been no surprise to discover that mercury is retrograde.

here goes. *alicia's grandmother had a sudden anneurism the night before the move in day and she had to get a quick flight back home to be with her family. *i drove out to her apartment in north austin to feed her cat since she was away and the door to her apartment would not lock on the way out. i tried for 15 minutes and nothing would give. it was broken. *our landlord fell sick with the flu on move in day and could not give me the house key personally so i had to have copies made from her maintenance man and get a signed money order check to her office in the middle of rush hour lunch traffic. *then i had great trouble finding her office. *my dad went over to my apartment building to let the carpet cleaners in and my security pass would not allow him access - turns out it was suddenly broken. i had to contact the main office while i was out at lunch and did not have the phone number, which led to me randomly calling friends to see who could look up the number on the internet. *$90 later the carpet cleaners could not remove the major tea stain in the living room and i had to attempt to remove it with bleach. my dad and i got into a small argument because he criticized the rest of my apartment and i was upset that he was getting into my business. *while moving in, the front porch light and bathroom lights suddenly went out, and i had to move in box after box in the dark. *we had the maintenance man come out to fix the lights this evening, and after he left, a fuse blew out half of our electricity, including the air conditioning window units on this sweltering, humid, 95-degree day. i was able to tinker around with the fuse box, luckily, and turn the electricity back on.

i'm so looking forward to a hot shower and a full night of sleep. photos coming.

coincidences.

a timeline

2002- my mom's hairdresser, michael, wants to fix me up with his friend jill. we become friends. she introduces me to some of her friends.

2003- jill decides to go to school to become a therapist.

2004- i have a distant crush on this girl who works at the feminist bookstore but do not even know her name. she is adorable and i love her energy.

2005- jill is an intern at an lgbtq counseling center. she tells me a little about this one client she is counseling who is close in age to me. she never uses her name, of course.

jan 2006- i'm at a friend's house one evening. we're watching the L word with a bunch of people. this one girl i had gone out on a couple of dates with in the past brings a friend who makes the room spin for me. this is my first introduction to e. it was lust at first sight.

may 2006- j and i are at a coffee house and we see e. i want to talk to her, but she is in a deep conversation on her cell phone. i wonder when i will see her again and how i will ever strike up conversation with her.

aug 2006- kg and i go out on a date. she gets back together with her ex and the flirtation comes to a screeching halt. around that time, i discover that e is connected to j on her myspace friends list and boldly decide to send a message. "we met at my friend's party in january. remember me?" she writes back and adds me as a friend. our correspondence begins.

sept 2006- e and i have our first date. i also go out with two other women who have suddenly asked me out, and this guy who asked me out. craziness. i like e the most.

oct 2006- e and i are dating. i find out that the bookstore crush from years ago is her ex-girlfriend, k. they were together for two years and e was with her during the time of my crush. i also find out that k dated kg right before she went out with e, like me, and her former therapist used to be jill. the client jill talked about with me once had been e! AND i find out that michael, the hairdresser, knows e and tried to fix her up with jill in the past. but e had to break it to him that jill was her therapist.

may 2008- e and i have broken up and i ask jill for a recommendation on a good therapist for me. the woman she refers me to turns out to work with e. wtf? i have to find a different therapist.

feb 2009- p meets me at a drag show and seeks me out as a friend.

mar 2009- i discover p is friends with e and best friends with k.


here is what i'm thinking. our city is like a smaller town sometimes, particularly within the lesbian community, but there are simply too many coincidences with my ex-girlfriend. it is truly bizarre how interconnected we all are.

on the drive home from wheatsville co-op, the car filled with dinner and dessert, i was listening to the radio show on 94.7, the kim irweson show. a psychic medium was on the air sharing readings to numerous callers. i've had two psychic readings in the past, but felt scammed and have always wanted to have a reading with a true psychic. i jotted down her name and viewed her website. she seems legit from what i can tell....

maybe i should spend my birthday money on a psychic reading, i've thought! i would like to know the answers to certain questions, such as:

-am i going to be in a long term relationship with a man, or a woman?
-why am i feeling pulled in the direction of changing career paths, and is it a sign to do it?
-how is my grandmother (who died about 4 years ago) and what does she think about the situation with my grandfather (whom we have no relationship with)?
-am i on the right path?
-will i be a mother one day?

important questions....

she offers a reading and some sort of "chakra balancing," focused on balancing any blockages someone might have with their energy. it sounds a little hocus pocus, as well as the talk of angels and spirit guides. part of me does not want to know. part of me wants to know what this reading would bring through. i don't want to be ripped off or taken advantage of emotionally, but i think that this psychic could be the one i would select. she has positive, comforting energy.

i have this fear that she is going to tell me i'm going to get married to a man, have 5 kids, and spend the rest of my days before a fucking computer. i would like her to tell me that i'm going to meet this amazing woman and have a child with her 10 years from now, and that i'll be self employed, a prolific artist and writer, and rich. :)