truths.

last night we attended the transgender day of remembrance vigil at the city hall. i have been involved with gay/lesbian/bisexual rights throughout my twenties and it was about one year ago that i began to meet some trans people that changed my whole perspective. i was challenged one year ago on this day in a deeper way than you may know. challenged to open myself to embracing that the woman i was seeing told me that she identifies as a woman and also as trans. i had always been under the preconceived notion that a woman is trans if she sees herself as a man. i realize now how little i understood. how little the public is taught about the varying degrees of transgenderedness. my ex-girlfriend explained, sitting across from me at a table in starseeds, that she does not see herself falling into either male or female categories, nor does she want to transition from feminine to masculine in terms of reconstruction. she is trans because she feels in between, not fitting into the social construct of what a woman is, being more comfortable with having short hair, wearing boy's shoes, boy's clothes, baseball caps, and boxer shorts. i was powerfully, inexplicably attracted to this woman who was not in women's clothes most of the time. i loved getting through layers of her boy clothes to her very feminine body. she was wonderful. but i will admit that i wrestled with my desire to see her in more girlie accoutrements and knowing that this was not who she is. not every day. i wrestled with waking up in the morning to my girlfriend's closet that more closely resembled a teenage boy's closet, and i felt angry with myself for having certain feelings and was generally confused. i did not feel brave enough to voice what i was feeling to her, for fear that i would offend her and that she would think i was rejecting who she is. i resolved to work it out on my own and more completely embrace the beautiful person i found her to be. when we were in bed, we were two strong women making love. when i was around her, she made me feel loved and safe and cared for. she was my lover. clothes are superficial, i told myself. snap out of it. clothes are superficial but clothes are apart of so much more at the same time. in time, some of our gender identity differences became the ultimate demise of our romantic relationship. our puzzle pieces did not fit together, no matter what i tried to do, and when our relationship fell apart, i was devastated.

amid that loss, i was hell bent on being completely comfortable with a range of gender expressions and healing whatever rift might have existed. i began going to some drag shows put on by kings 'n things and found that i loved them. i dressed in drag. i bought a tie. i read stone butch blues and learned more about trans issues. i have practiced burlesque, loving my fierce femme side. i was introduced to a man who used to be a woman, and is a sexy married man at that. i am sickened to see how mean and hateful some other people are towards other people in this world, and how many trans people are bullied and raped and murdered every year for simply being who they are. this month alone a trans woman was killed. one year ago today i would have gone to the tdr vigil with my then-girlfriend who came over to see me after the vigil. i had no real idea of what the vigil was about back then. we went to starseeds and she started telling me. the experience, this year, was moving. there were some poets and mothers of transgendered people.

a lesson with transitive verbs:
people hate other people.
people judge other people.
people sometimes kill other people.
people need other people.
people love other people.
people accept other people.
people transform other people.

afterwards S and i had margaritas and mexican food, escaping the cold fall air. the moon had a half-smile, which gave me some sense of hope.