in the 15+ years of living in austin, texas, june has never been this hot. stepping outside is literally like sticking yourself into your kitchen oven. i have no idea what to expect this summer.
the weather forecast reads:
saturday- 104
sunday-103
monday-104
i sit in our living room with the air-conditioning unit cranked up high and drink ice water. still i'm hot. i love warm weather, but not when it's like this.
i had loaded my car with some copies of the book to deliver to the bookstore. not thinking, i discovered that the heat made the book covers stick together, and when i pulled them apart, the covers were damaged. tragic. now i must wait for the new order to come in, and i'm going to have to figure out what i want to do with these 'punk' poetry books. half price books or randomly leaving them at coffee houses.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
s.i.n.
after watching a horrible phantom of the opera entertainment piece in the midst of the s.i.n. party, i did meet someone last night who is a) a lesbian b) beautiful c) available. she tagged along with my group of friends and this is how we met. i spent time talking and dancing with her. yes. i actually danced in public. she grabbed my hand and led me out onto the floor and pulled me close to her hips. it was so awesome. she has these beautiful blue eyes, which i'm always a sucker for. we must have danced for about an hour to some crazy techno music. but... this one woman butted in when we were dancing and "stole" her away for the rest of the night, asking her to go outside alone with her away from the party. i had to chase her down and exchange phone numbers before going home at 2 a.m. as a feminist, i'm not going to fight other women for another woman. if eden* (pseudonym) is interested, then she has my digits. i will most likely send her a message soon. this other woman, whose name will go unmentioned, has never been very nice to me. i had a bad feeling about the night when she showed up at the party and hovered around my friends. i knew she probably wanted eden. it was no surprise to me that she would pull a move like that on me, knowing full well that this is the woman i was interested in and that we were in the middle of dancing on the floor. i like to live in a world where "nice girls finish first." the first woman i slept with wore underwear with that written across it. i haven't forgotten it. this other woman may have captured eden's attention at the end of the night, but it does not mean that they are going to date or be in a relationship. you never know. i was just feeling really bummed upon driving home that the night had taken a downward turn. the dating world feels so difficult and competitive and cut-throat, but at least i'm getting out and meeting new people and one of these days, i will have a great girlfriend.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
i was doing so well with moving on from breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and then i had to see her right as i walked into this coffee place. the old emotions came flooding back to me. the memory of physical embraces and everything. i think i'm never going to be 100 percent over her, not until i'm happily involved with someone else and years have gone by. that is what it will probably take. what is surreal is seeing the fine line between someone being your lover and being your worst enemy.
she has cut her hair, almost shaved it, and is no longer bleaching it blond. when i looked at her, she looked down at her computer like she thought that somehow not looking me in the eye would hide her body from my line of vision. i walked past the table, up the stairs, and into the coffee place, the door swinging behind.
this sort of immaturity and childishness is exactly what i don't need or want. i need someone who matches me and can handle being on polite terms regardless if we're staying together or not. interactions with her in the last year have been upsetting. but i'm not going to allow the negativity from her to steal my happiness.
tonight i'm going out with two friends to a club downtown where there is a huge lesbian party. the s.i.n. party. i went to urban outfitters to find a shirt to wear and the deal breaker was when a woman, who is a lesbian, saw me with it on in the dressing room and said, "wow. i love that shirt." i was at a different store with it on and several women stopped to ask, "where did you get your shirt?" women like this shirt.
on another note, my friend is designing some parts of my writing portfolio this weekend. i've been getting one together to show to my manager to hopefully get the promotion that i desire. i needed her to visually spice up the text to give articles a magazine layout and design. i'll have the pieces printed on high-grade paper for a small book. i can't believe i've gone this long without a real portfolio. i think having a portfolio and a website, no matter how basic, is essential for writers. included in the portfolio is a "writer's statement" plus the front cover image of the poetry book. i'm torn over whether or not i want to have some of my poetry and fiction writing in the portfolio. i would have to select excerpts that are not provocative in nature. hard for me to do!
she has cut her hair, almost shaved it, and is no longer bleaching it blond. when i looked at her, she looked down at her computer like she thought that somehow not looking me in the eye would hide her body from my line of vision. i walked past the table, up the stairs, and into the coffee place, the door swinging behind.
this sort of immaturity and childishness is exactly what i don't need or want. i need someone who matches me and can handle being on polite terms regardless if we're staying together or not. interactions with her in the last year have been upsetting. but i'm not going to allow the negativity from her to steal my happiness.
tonight i'm going out with two friends to a club downtown where there is a huge lesbian party. the s.i.n. party. i went to urban outfitters to find a shirt to wear and the deal breaker was when a woman, who is a lesbian, saw me with it on in the dressing room and said, "wow. i love that shirt." i was at a different store with it on and several women stopped to ask, "where did you get your shirt?" women like this shirt.
on another note, my friend is designing some parts of my writing portfolio this weekend. i've been getting one together to show to my manager to hopefully get the promotion that i desire. i needed her to visually spice up the text to give articles a magazine layout and design. i'll have the pieces printed on high-grade paper for a small book. i can't believe i've gone this long without a real portfolio. i think having a portfolio and a website, no matter how basic, is essential for writers. included in the portfolio is a "writer's statement" plus the front cover image of the poetry book. i'm torn over whether or not i want to have some of my poetry and fiction writing in the portfolio. i would have to select excerpts that are not provocative in nature. hard for me to do!
summertime.
this is the summer of creating a home.
this is the summer of living from the inside out.
this is the summer of fearlessly going places alone.
this is the summer of being whole again.
this is the summer of being 29.
this is the summer of living from the inside out.
this is the summer of fearlessly going places alone.
this is the summer of being whole again.
this is the summer of being 29.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
random observations and comments.
please humor my list.
1. have you ever noticed that the double tree hotel sign is actually a lesbian symbol?
2. if i were male, i would be entitled to $18 an hour minimum as a copywriter
3. because i'm not male and because the corporate world is still sexist, i'm made to feel that i somehow am not worthy of this standard hourly wage and that i'm perhaps greedy and selfish. (a man in my position would never be accused of such)
4. as a woman, you are not expected to be at the top of a company
5. i decided i'm not going to meet anyone by sitting at home on saturday nights, so i went to a dance party alone for the first time ever, which was hard and intimidating all at once. i left after 20 minutes. but i did it. i survived that fear.
6. gadjo disko is an eastern europe dance party that happens at a gay club. dark, hazy, techno music, gypsy dresses, costumes, exotic dancers, many people.
7. i've been out of touch with cooking lately
8. i went grocery shopping and planned out a menu for the week
9. cooking is like medicine for my soul
10. i would like to fill my front porch with 50 potted plants- a wild, excessive garden
11. i am a crazy plant lover
12. i cooked up a west african chili- vegetables and beans in a spicy peanut sauce served with rice- delish
13. swimming and sunbathing at barton springs next week with a friend
14. tonight i'm going to see a movie at the dobie. not certain which one yet.
15. i need a website, but i'm broke at present
16. our house party is happening in the middle of july
17. i'm not going to let worries about money steal my joy
18. i'm in the mood to paint again
19. i'm 99% over my ex-girlfriend
20. i painted my toes hot pink
21. i miss my distant friends
22. i want meeting my future girlfriend to happen organically, not via a dating website. i want to meet at a party or through friends or at a club or out and about.
23. can i truly identify as bi anymore when i'm not interested in a relationship with men?
24. who knew that picture frames could be so expensive. i'm going to have to wait til the next paycheck.
25. my cat is fat and adorable
26. i'm taking my books to some bookstores as soon as the bulk order arrives
27. i'm also placing a promo piece in the chronicle to generate some publicity
28. my bedroom still looks like world war III
29. i'm not going to do any work for the rest of the day :)
1. have you ever noticed that the double tree hotel sign is actually a lesbian symbol?
2. if i were male, i would be entitled to $18 an hour minimum as a copywriter
3. because i'm not male and because the corporate world is still sexist, i'm made to feel that i somehow am not worthy of this standard hourly wage and that i'm perhaps greedy and selfish. (a man in my position would never be accused of such)
4. as a woman, you are not expected to be at the top of a company
5. i decided i'm not going to meet anyone by sitting at home on saturday nights, so i went to a dance party alone for the first time ever, which was hard and intimidating all at once. i left after 20 minutes. but i did it. i survived that fear.
6. gadjo disko is an eastern europe dance party that happens at a gay club. dark, hazy, techno music, gypsy dresses, costumes, exotic dancers, many people.
7. i've been out of touch with cooking lately
8. i went grocery shopping and planned out a menu for the week
9. cooking is like medicine for my soul
10. i would like to fill my front porch with 50 potted plants- a wild, excessive garden
11. i am a crazy plant lover
12. i cooked up a west african chili- vegetables and beans in a spicy peanut sauce served with rice- delish
13. swimming and sunbathing at barton springs next week with a friend
14. tonight i'm going to see a movie at the dobie. not certain which one yet.
15. i need a website, but i'm broke at present
16. our house party is happening in the middle of july
17. i'm not going to let worries about money steal my joy
18. i'm in the mood to paint again
19. i'm 99% over my ex-girlfriend
20. i painted my toes hot pink
21. i miss my distant friends
22. i want meeting my future girlfriend to happen organically, not via a dating website. i want to meet at a party or through friends or at a club or out and about.
23. can i truly identify as bi anymore when i'm not interested in a relationship with men?
24. who knew that picture frames could be so expensive. i'm going to have to wait til the next paycheck.
25. my cat is fat and adorable
26. i'm taking my books to some bookstores as soon as the bulk order arrives
27. i'm also placing a promo piece in the chronicle to generate some publicity
28. my bedroom still looks like world war III
29. i'm not going to do any work for the rest of the day :)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
time crunch at the coffee house tonight. the doors will soon be closing and i need to go to bed, even though my mind is still wide awake. remember how i mentioned some time ago that the ceo at the company i work for liked my idea? remember how i had hoped to have a real writing position created for me? this week they have given me the full responsibility of being an SEO writer for their website, which i'm happy about, but there has been no offer for a) a raise and b) benefits. it's a slap in the face. the real point of my making the case about optimizing SEO copy on the site was to, ahem, have a better job, and the writing that i'm now doing is drawing in a lot more money for them, none of which i'm seeing. how is any of that ethical and fair? tomorrow, i scheduled to meet with my manager to request a consideration for more money per hour for this sort of work and health benefits. i'm going to be bold about asking for what i desire. if these people do not come through and are not willing to treat me as they treat the rest of their staff, then i'm going to have to find a job elsewhere- the situation has me upset and feeling low in spirit. i hate corporate america. i hate how these companies undercut people and want nothing but more $. i thought that this company was interested in its people. we shall see. what i've learned from my former boss is that if you approach the company you work for with the attitude that you have a special skill/service you can offer them, then you hold the true power. you are an asset. she was always so confident and enthusiastic about her ideas. i decided to do what i thought she would do in my shoes at this new place. at work today, one of my friends who sits several rows behind me, brought in my poetry book for me to sign. it was the first copy of the book i've seen in print. it was exciting to see it, but then people around me wanted to look at it. the book was suddenly out of my hands and being passed around the office, which made me a little nervous given that it is such a personal book. they were reading the back cover, and now i'm "out of the closet" at work. it's a big deal for me because i've always maintained a line between personal life and business at work around people i'm not close with. a lot of people had no clue, i'm sure.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
pride weekend.
yesterday was the gay pride festival.
i went downtown for the night parade, the one time out of the year you can be outside on the street drinking beer and the police don't care. T skated in the parade and stopped to kiss her girlfriend on the lips in the middle. it was sweet.
i was introduced to one of their friends who recently moved here. when i asked her about the leo tattoo on her back, she mentioned something about how an old girlfriend had gotten the tattoo with her. given the setting of the pride parade and what she had said, i thought she was gay, or bisexual, and spent the rest of the night flirting with her in gay clubs, which was fun.
we even held hands. and then i came to find out that she's straight. (so she claims). my heart sank down, down, down. i was in such a state of shock. i've never pursued a straight girl before. but it was ok in the end. i made a new friend at the least, and then got approached by a string of young and cute lesbians, women who thank the goddess wanted to do more with me than hold my hand, who would have possibly been interested in taking me home that night.
if only every saturday at the gay clubs could look like that for us in this city. lots and lots of girls. dancing. partying. flirting. making out. of course there were plenty of hot gay boys. i danced with one girl and stood lips to lips with another and had a longer conversation with one out on the patio with these big, blue, beautiful eyes. it was all in all a great night.
N said to me today, "honey, i gave up on you being with a man years ago. i'm surprised you identify as bisexual." i feel that bisexual is the most true and honest label for a woman like me. i've fooled around with men in the past, and would be open to sleeping with one again in a no-strings-attached situation, but am more lesbian identified. i've struggled throughout my twenties to understand who i am and how to explain who i am to the world. my heart and soul are wired to a woman, and at the same time, i appreciate the male form. bisexual is the only word i can come up with.
so with the publication of my first book of poetry, i'm out on the internet and out anytime someone googles my name. it has been liberating. no more hiding out in dark rooms.
i went downtown for the night parade, the one time out of the year you can be outside on the street drinking beer and the police don't care. T skated in the parade and stopped to kiss her girlfriend on the lips in the middle. it was sweet.
i was introduced to one of their friends who recently moved here. when i asked her about the leo tattoo on her back, she mentioned something about how an old girlfriend had gotten the tattoo with her. given the setting of the pride parade and what she had said, i thought she was gay, or bisexual, and spent the rest of the night flirting with her in gay clubs, which was fun.
we even held hands. and then i came to find out that she's straight. (so she claims). my heart sank down, down, down. i was in such a state of shock. i've never pursued a straight girl before. but it was ok in the end. i made a new friend at the least, and then got approached by a string of young and cute lesbians, women who thank the goddess wanted to do more with me than hold my hand, who would have possibly been interested in taking me home that night.
if only every saturday at the gay clubs could look like that for us in this city. lots and lots of girls. dancing. partying. flirting. making out. of course there were plenty of hot gay boys. i danced with one girl and stood lips to lips with another and had a longer conversation with one out on the patio with these big, blue, beautiful eyes. it was all in all a great night.
N said to me today, "honey, i gave up on you being with a man years ago. i'm surprised you identify as bisexual." i feel that bisexual is the most true and honest label for a woman like me. i've fooled around with men in the past, and would be open to sleeping with one again in a no-strings-attached situation, but am more lesbian identified. i've struggled throughout my twenties to understand who i am and how to explain who i am to the world. my heart and soul are wired to a woman, and at the same time, i appreciate the male form. bisexual is the only word i can come up with.
so with the publication of my first book of poetry, i'm out on the internet and out anytime someone googles my name. it has been liberating. no more hiding out in dark rooms.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
june.
tonight i watered the plants on the front porch, pots of basil, oregano, and rosemary, and colorful succulents. i looked at a pack of cigarettes. then i registered online for jury duty for the first. time. ever. i'm called to appear at the courthouse right after the 4th of july weekend. fingers are crossed that i'll be released after that first day. the worst case scenario is being selected as a juror in a month long trial. what a nightmare. as much as i love being out of the office i can't afford the luxury. who can these days? i also am having mixed feelings about the process of judging. at the core, i believe that rehabilitation, community service, and legal mediations are the higher answer compared to retributive justice and capital punishment. i'm not comfortable with how we as a society deal with 'offenders.' we are not really addressing the root of violence - what inclines people to abuse each other. true justice is paying for a mistake one time; true injustice is paying for a mistake over and over, and that we have prisons brimming with thousands and thousands of lives behind bars is beyond depressing. i want no part in it. believe me, i want to be somewhere other than in that courtroom. i realize i'm not like many people out there because i seek to change the status quo, not exist within it. i'm not too old to believe i can change the world a little. releasing my first poetry book is a prime example. the book isn't solely flowery language and poems about romance; it has a political stance, too. i feel my family cannot understand why i am an activist for equal rights, why i place myself out on the line publicly, why i care to share details of my personal life with strangers. i have begun to consciously realize that i don't want to censor myself. i don't want to stop performing drag and burlesque on stage. i don't want to stop writing about sex (or having sex!). i don't want to stop creating art that might surprise or challenge. i don't want to stop being who i am, which by nature, is to be open and a bit rebellious at times. shutting up, buttoning up, and accepting the status quo of the world translates to placing a big piece of duct tape over my mouth.
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