queer grrrls in the city.

my very pregnant friend invited me to a grad student lesbian night at a bar called the peacock; there were about eight women sitting around a table with fancy cocktails. N is married to a man and about to pop out their first child, but wants to see me fall in love again. why lesbians like to gather at places with the word cock in the name and drink cocktails is an interesting phenomenon. there's a gay bar here called the cockpit where lesbians dance sometimes; i almost never go there. the peacock is a swanky, dimly lit dive on the east side with chandeliers, blue colonial walls, white leather chairs, and a taxidermied peacock nailed to the wall above the bar. later on, i was at my friend's house party where 'the cool lesbians' were, and of course got hit on by men, and of course was most interested in the girls who turned out to be in serious relationships. the story of my life thus far. almost all men on the planet think i'm straight, even at lesbian parties, even in the lesbian fiction section of bookstores. but i made some new connections and had an amazing time hanging out with friends and drinking beer. guess i'm waiting on that passionate connection, the feeling of your heart racing and butterflies, the way i felt around someone from my past like e. i'll end this post with a photo i came across of some austin drag kings). i plan to be more involved later on this year with performance. for now i'm in a state of transition, feeling weighed down by responsibilities and work that needs to be done between now and then. austin drag kings.

here is phoebe, the olde english sheep dog

crazy cat lady and mischa aka the fluffball

rebel grrrl.

well.. my attempts at becoming a vegetarian again lasted about... two whole days. i like fish too much, and tend not to like restrictions, finding the forbidden far too exciting. and i love food. all of it. my attempts at gaining weight have also been halted after i gagged looking at a glass of whole milk i tried to force down. i'm choosing instead to love my body, whatever size i will be in the future, and to not feel pressured by cultural standards of the feminine ideal. i happen to come from a long line of small women: my aunt used to be a runway model in chicago back in the eighties, and all of my aunts, first cousins, and grandmother were super thin in their twenties and thirties. one of my male cousins is an underwear model, recently pictured in cosmo magazine. he modeled for an article about how women should please men, and viewers see him in a series of positions one would not want their grandmother finding them in. oh but our 86 year old grandmother bought the issue and was reading it the day i found it, looking over the glossy photos of her grandson in little speedo-like blue underwear with a girl straddling him. i felt really weird. at the least, i think we have some great genes. all the women on my mom's side have had excellent health and lived into their nineties. no one has had cancer. so there you have it. i'm going for some greater self acceptance....

the unthinkable happened yesterday. my estranged friend j added me as a friend on facebook.

(!!!)
it has been:
8 months of no communication
e-mails
drunken text messages
a lot of tears
practicing letting go and finally doing it...

to find this message in my email inbox after what i've been through had me in complete and utter shock, not to mention ecstatic.

perhaps you have had a best friend you experienced a falling out with in your past?; losing someone close can be a painful experience, particularly when you shared a deep love, and sometimes the relationship can be mended back together and sometimes not. this change of heart with j offers me some hope about my ex girlfriend too. that we can return to being on friendly terms someday.

people can change.

i wish everyone could get along in this world, or co-exist.

my ani difranco hoodie.

my absolute favorite hoodie on the planet is my ani difranco hoodie. it's black with the righteous babe records symbol on the front. it has gone almost everywhere with me since i was 24.

little did i know that i would one day use it towards such a feminist cause.

i was sitting for a couple of hours on a *white chair* in a coffee house when i discovered that i was bleeding on, no, more like flooding the chair. my period was out of control. it was like i was hemorraghing. there were plenty of people swarming around, and the chair was right next to the bar, and there was no way i could discretely get up from the chair and not have people notice *the huge red stain* in the middle. plus, the bartenders know me personally and saw that i had been sitting in that chair for hours.

mortified does not even come close to describing this public experience of bleeding non stop. so i brainstormed some escape scenarios as i continued to flood the chair.

a) have the bartender bring me a glass of red wine and spill the wine all over the place
b) text a friend (but of course my cell phone was in the car)
c) flag down the female bartender and tell her i need a towel right away
d) cover the seat with my ani difranco hoodie

not wanting to create a scene and further embarrass myself, i chose d. i unzipped my ani difranco hoodie, slid it down over the chair, and got the hell out of that coffee house. ani d. saved the day.

on the drive home, i was so upset about losing my favorite hoodie and thought i would not be able to show my face in that coffee house for a long time. but i have some of the greatest friends, and amber bravely covered for me and marched right up to the bartenders the following night and said that she had left her ani difranco hoodie on the white chair and did they have it?

it was in their lost and found box.

i did get my favorite hoodie back and have worked up the nerve to return to the coffee house. the white chair looks as good as new. someone took care of it. i don't know who.

food.

the queer potluck brunch was a smaller circle of people than i expected. i had some one-on-one time with e's friends at their apartment, and we ate and drank coffee in their cozy living room. i think it's a shame (a travesty, a crime) that e and i are not pals. but i remember that this is her choice, and i think she's a fool for tossing me aside. -there.

no one brought up the subject of our relationship or the current status of my dating life, which is beginning to feel more and more dismal as the winter days roll past. it is no wonder that my body reflects the hole i felt in my heart for the past year. it is no wonder i lost my appetite and dropped weight. who wants to eat when they're heartbroken and feeling un-beautiful. the life change shows.

to put some of the fat back on i'm switching to a vegetarian diet for awhile (in the past i've gained weight as a vegetarian) and one girl recommended drinking whole milk every day. i want to exude the healthy inner and outer glow i used to have. i quit cigarettes, i'm thinking about cutting out coffee and switching to yerba mate (something i would have deemed insane three months ago!!), i'm lifting hand weights, and i'm planning to return to practicing active yoga. right now i'm drinking this chinese tea called kombucha. word on the street is that it restores balance and vitality in your body. i'm going to see how i'm feeling in june, six months from now, when the city will be flowering into summer and i won't have to bundle up at night.

i viewed each new person rocking my world at the potluck brunch as a blessing. being around some of these women (one hot trans-boy) made me miss e more intensely, but i'm reframing the negative thoughts. i will be in a new relationshipand romance is not hopeless.

my new job begins sometime soon. waiting to find out the actual starting date. it feels good to be able to say "i have a job." next on the list of lists is to find a new place to move into.....

i've said before that i'm over my ex-girlfriend, which is true to a certain degree, but on days like today, memories of her begin to creep up like a shadow, and i feel devastated over the loss of that relationship. i liked her for so many reasons. i thought of her while sitting in a cafe garden after dark with glowing candles on the tables, surrounded by couples having a late dinner. i tell myself things like "you weren't meant to be together" and "love will find you again" and "you deserve someone who loves you back." it's just hard to know that i'm the one that sabotaged the relationship to begin with. when she walked out that door, i never expected that she would not come back. i envisioned we would always be apart of each other's lives somehow. i thought we would work out the issues.

part of my exploration into buddhism has been teaching me about accepting the way life is. i've created more suffering and pain for myself by not accepting the present. we need to honor and celebrate the impermanence of life. there is always going to be change with endings and beginnings and uncertainty. can you really accept the present and not resist the current? i tried hard to bargain with e last year, which only made the situation worse, far worse. i was not able to accept the way things are and that her feelings for me could have changed so radically. she had had me fucking convinced of her great affection for me. pema chodron recommends thanking her. thank her for what she taught me through that relationship -- gratitude attracts more goodness.

i'm hanging out with some of her friends by chance this weekend at a queer potluck brunch, and i feel accepted for the most part there. this community is about loving and accepting, not about judging and dividing women, and i'm grateful to have found a place in it in this city. i may have a few obstacles to overcome with some of her friends who have not come to that mentality yet, and misunderstand me and what i'm about, but i'm strong and know how to handle these sorts of situations with tact. e will not be there, as far as i'm aware.

employed.

today it's 73 degrees and sunny. the job lady called this morning while i was of course still sleeping. she left a message, explained that the director of the department would like to bypass the formal interview and just offer me the position. the job isn't my dream job, but i can happily report that i have a job. i'll probably begin working one day next week. what is it for? i'm assisting some of their clients with copywriting and design on ads. half of the time i'll be on the phone. the other half i'll be at work on the ads. i guess it means i'll have a desk and maybe a wall to tack photos to. it might not be all that i wanted, but i'm no longer in that unemployed slump. feels like rejoining the land of the living.....

for better or worse....

i was listening to 93.7, and there was an astrologer on talking about the 2009 forecast for people born under the sign of aries. my ears perked up. she said that we're going to become far more involved in the community this year, more than we've ever been before, meeting many new people, joining clubs and groups, and serving the community in some form, possibly through volunteering. now i've never been "a groupie" and i can attest that this year i've felt a powerful force driving me to be active in the gay community and to be out there doing artistic and healing work in the greater community. like... teaching a writing workshop, doing drag performance, being in this femme collective, and possibly being involved with helping people learn to read. it's strange how dead on her forecast was. for the first time in my life i'm belonging to.... groups. i can hardly believe it. i've preferred to be a mysterious, loner sort for most of my existence, living on the edges. i can tell you i've changed, or i'm changing into someone who is more confident in her skin. it is scary to be so "out there" all of a sudden and to be known. but it feels good.

well. i found out that this job i'm interviewing for is a pretty significant cut in pay for me. my modus operandi: accept the opportunity and continue looking for a better one. i'm happy to be interviewing for a job that at least involves writing. it isn't some dead end office work. these things could always be much, much, much worse. flashback to the days of working for the nazi architect and the shady drug rehab center. i just hate how i have to begin at the bottom in a company again when i believe that i should be entitled to a bit more. i think the difference is that i have a greater belief in myself and in my abilities now, and i know that in time i will be in the right place. somehow. there are always options for you.

sioux gave me the good news today that she asked ben to marry her, and he obviously said yes (ef that traditional bullshit of waiting around for the man to ask the woman)! their wedding is going to be next summer, and i am honored to be a bride's maid for the first time in my life. so i will be coming to new york next summer, and have hopes of visiting with my new york friends in the big apple. maybe, just maybe i will have my girlfriend coming along for the ride.

at last.

hours after obama's speech, i received a phone call. i have an interview for a copywriting/web position that my old boss recommended me for weeks ago. it took almost a month for this company to respond to my application, and i had almost forgotten about it, to be honest. after applying to 70 writing/editing related jobs, one tends to lose track. i have a positive feeling about it being a near perfect match and am waiting to find out which day i will interview. the last 4 weeks have been particularly rough. depressing. bleak. i've begun to feel lost. my dad said something sweet to me the other day. "m....don't let being out of work right now depress you. you deserve to have a good job. it will happen." i need to hear these positive affirmations. the day to day reality of being unemployed month upon month is hard to navigate. who i am is not wrapped up in what i do for a living. what is eating away at me is the loss of independence, the worries with money, being placed in a more powerless position, that i have to move out of my apartment in two months because it's too expensive, that i can't buy what i want, that i'm restricted, that i do not know what comes next.

mlk day.

i live on the edge of the historic black district of austin where there are still "ladies of the night" and drug deals that go on around 12th and chicon as i drive by after dark towards home. we have old dives with names like queen nubian's soul cafe, hoover's southern cooking, mama b's, and gene's po'boy place. the intersection of southern, black, mexican, and creole cultures gives the area a distinct flavor. i live right across the street from an all black church, always packed with people and gospel music on sunday mornings, and nearby is a new, albeit bourgeois italian restaurant and the blue dahlia cafe. tomorrow, as obama is being inaugurated, one day after mlk day, i feel that big hope for change. i've already seen some of that in this revitalized district. an obama store has opened down the street, and my african-american neighbors seem to walk with a little more bounce in their steps. today, in the beautiful sunshine of a parking lot, i pasted a human rights campaign sticker to the back of my car, a blue and yellow symbol that stands for equal rights for all americans, particularly for glbt people at work, at home, and in the community. with obama as president it's like finally we will be seeing more equality in action.

yesterday i went to rain with a circle of my gay girlfriends for an L word final season premiere showing; drinks, dancing, conversation, people watching, our favorite characters on large screens all over the club. it was so. much. fun. because some of my relationships shifted a year ago, i'm so grateful for this circle of new and old girlfriends to belong to, and feel that this circle will be expanding more with involvement in the femme collective and the drag performance troop, and also with the relase of my book of queer poetry. instead of harboring regrets or wishing to change certain situations like with my ex-girlfriend, i'm resolving to go with the flow and be in harmony with the reality of the present. going against the current seems to create more pain and suffering in the end. after watching the painful falling out between shane and jenny on the L word, i do not know whether or not i want to go through with sending the poetry book to j for her birthday. as much as i want to do that for her, i have to face that she has chosen to exit my world, and my heart cannot withstand more sorrow. i've learned from life experience that it is a waste of precious energy attempting to convince someone that you are worth it.

i've been creating some inspirational art to hang on the walls at home, made with gouache paint on watercolor paper, decorated with flowers, butterflies, and cool illustrations.

love
who
you
are.

believe in yourself.
believe in your dreams.

you have wings to soar high. ~

you are
100%
lovable.

i see these pictures and feel more positive and empowered, and believe that friends who come over to hang out will also feel the healing effects. and i've added more houseplants to the mix. more jade, succulents, ivy, kolanche, and a ficus tree. i want to create a creative, vibrant ambience for living, lounging, and working in. plants and art bring life into a place. i'm doing what i can until the time comes to move out of roberston hill.

winter.

a cold front came in last night. rumor was the temperature dropped to 20F in the morning. i wouldn't know because i was sound asleep. still not feeling the greatest. cedar fever is in full season. agatha is coming over to visit tonight. we're drinking a bottle of wine together. it will probably be too cold to sit out on the balcony unless we want to freeze. like i've said before anything below 70F is cold. i simply cannot survive in the northern climate. it is a medically proven fact that your blood actually thins after living in a warm place for over a year.

jess is feeling much, much better after the car wreck of last week. we're having coffee tomorrow afternoon and she's taking photos of me (for my book). she was the one who told me about this "saturn return." wtf are you talking about? i said. i did extensive research on the interwebs and discovered that i indeed am living amid this crisis period. relationships come to an end; people experience an identity crisis; you might lose your job; old ways of existing break down; you might have a melt down. a week after i turned 28 in april relationships started going to hell. i.e. falling out with j and horribleness with my ex. i then lost my job in october. it has been one of the most challenging years i have lived through, but! these experiences have strengthened me. positive things are resulting from being forced to change. i've been transformed, reformed, enlightened. my work with writing is close to being rewarded. 1.5 more years to go before saturn exits my astrological chart. i have a feeling that the worst is probably over with. or at least i hope. i've been through enough.

saturn.

this explains *a hell of a lot* about what has happened to me since i turned 28.
apparently i'm right in the midst of my saturn return.

http://www.newage-directory.com/saturn.html

a friendship.

i'm at a table next to the window overlooking the parking lot at cafe mundi. i ordered coffee and migas. i've been working on the poetry collection more. i want to feel 100% confident about the work i'm releasing soon, and i'm not at that point with the last half. so i'm re-formatting and re-vising and re-polishing over the next few days. i'm also still designing a front and back cover. who would have thought a poetry book would be so complex? i'm having to cultivate more patience with the process of creating. i'm a classic aries; we lack patience and often start a million different projects at once. but. i do finish some projects. this is one i'm hell bent on finishing. the main reason i'm so anxious to have the book printed is because it is time sensitive. you see the book is dedicated to my former best friend, the one i had a falling out with eight months ago. i would like to send it to her as a surprise birthday gift. her birthday is in three weeks. who knows if she will have a change of heart about our friendship, or me, but i really want it to be in her hands on the day she turns 28. published through a company or not, i'm having some copies printed from a local print shop so that i can get one out to california in time. glossy cover and all. it will be my first real book. she was such a supporter of me as a blossoming writer during the time we were close, and there are a few in the collection about her, although no one else would be able to tell which ones. i think my heart might be a little broken if she does not respond to the birthday gift, but gifts are given with no strings attached. love cuts through all realities.

i've saved what she wrote months ago with the bouquet of flowers sent to my office. reading her note still makes me glow.

dear m.....
i think you are an indisputable rockstar of a woman, and ef any dumb bitch who doesn't REC recognize it. i hope you can enjoy some nice flowers this week, and remember, i think you're stellar.

muah!
j

for weeks people at the office were convinced that i had some secret admirer and wanted to know who these gorgeous flowers on my desk were from. i would tell them that a friend sent it to me and they did not seem to believe it. the truth is i blushed when the flowers were delivered and i opened that card from her. i probably did not look like someone receiving flowers from a mere friend. i was literally glowing for the rest of the day, and my boss picked up on the under currents. the long time secret is that j had been my serious, serious crush for over a year. i always wanted to be with her. but she was in a relationship and i had to settle for the second best role of friend. i was absolutely terrified of her finding out how i truly felt at the time, because i think i feared it would somehow change or ruin our friendship. i did not know if she felt the same about me. it felt dangerous to go there. how i so wish i had had the courage back then.

the closer we became the more often she told me that she loved me, and wrote another note about how fabulous and amazing she thinks i am. :) people would see us out in public places together and assume we were a lesbian couple. even her girlfriend was accusing us of having an affair, the girlfriend she wanted to break up with.

one night we were downtown together for a drink or two with friends and on our way back to my car she took my hand into hers. we walked hand in hand like that through the streets. it felt so right. like we had belonged together from the beginning. a few of my co-workers happened to be in the garage at the moment and spotted me holding hands with j. i did not care. she then asked to spend the night at my place because it was so late. there was more touching, more (what seemed) suddenly nervous conversation. she slept on the couch. i slept in the bedroom.

we had our falling out in may, and she left her girlfriend shortly thereafter. she moved to california in august without saying goodbye. i have tried eversince to maintain some sort of contact. maybe i'm crazy for thinking that there was something there between us. maybe i somehow got the wrong idea and she simply only liked me as a friend, but i've never had a friendship like this one before. it does not make sense to me that this "love" would vanish into thin air.

dedicating my book to her is my last attempt to express how much i care, how much i miss her, and still love her.

fog.

convo between me and amber over a beer.

amber: what did you do today?
me: ...i applied for some jobs.
amber: right. of course. you would be doing that.

i'm afraid my days have been boiled down to that mundane full time job. there are finally more jobs out there now that the holiday season is over with. maybe someone will like me and actually give me a phone call. yes?! realistically i am reminded that it usually takes about six months to find a decent job. i'm at the three month mark. so i have a bunch of free time to think and overanalyze and watch clouds and obsess over minor details. tomorrow i'm meeting S for dinner at an indian restaurant and i might go to ladies' night.

music.

malcolm rollick is unique and perfect music for lazy drives across town.

www.malcolmrollick.com

guinnesspresso

right now i'm drinking a special drink called a guinnesspresso - a pint of guinness with a shot of espresso. the irish in me is screaming out. i also recommend espresso with double chocolate stout, to curb the bitterness. one of my future endeavors is to publish a cookbook of my most favorite recipes handed down from friends, family, and the cookbooks i love. i envision a section on fancy drinks, including mojitos and those chocolate martinis i sometimes order at halcyon. there will be stories, of course, to accompany the recipes.

for most of the weekend i've been feeling under the weather. i decided to stay in on friday and saturday nights to rest. i have not been social at all and i intend to be a hermit for the rest of this sunday. i bought "the secret life of bees" by sue monk kidd at half price books and settled in for nights of reading on the living room couch. there is something so seductive about the south, and about black culture. i want to play with that theme in my novel. i watched part of the L word, too. it was the episode where bette cheats on tina with the carpenter and their relationship is seriously on the rocks. these characters feel like my friends. i've been watching them for the past 4 years. leisha hailey inspires me the most.

i'm resolving to go out to ladies' nights at the gay bar this year and to be more active in the femme community building that is going on. we meet once a month and the woman who runs it is essentially the center of the lesbian scene in austin and the producer of the drag shows. she's a-mazing and the same age as me. i would like to start performing and choreographing drag later on in the year. although i have not chosen to label myself a "femme," preferring the freedom to switch back and forth between styles, this group is positive for greater self-acceptance and finding a community. we will sometimes hang out with their lovers and friends so time is not bound to "femmes." i will at the least be forming new friendships, if not crossing paths with a future lover.

i was somewhat annoyed when someone recently told me that i do not dress "gay enough." and just what does a gay woman look like? i believe in dressing how you like to dress, not conforming yourself to some set of fashion codes. if a woman is attracted to me, i think that she isn't going to care if i'm in a skirt or in pants. leisha hailey could be wearing a potato sack and i would still think she's hot!

i was a little bit envious of my ex-girlfriend because her style was more obviously lesbian. short blonde hair, boy's pants, t-shirts, baseball caps. she looked like a pretty teenage boy from afar, until you looked more closely at her face and realized she was a woman. because of this, she attracts women to her side like a moth to a flame. i think it's much, much harder for femmes to attract the attention of other women. we have to seek out places where there are queer people. we have to also contend with not being perceived as gay enough and maybe continually obsess over what we're wearing and how we present ourselves. i've had conversations with other femmier sorts about that feeling of invisibility as being queer.

sometimes i feel like i literally have to stamp a rainbow sign to my chest. then maybe...maybe some people would get the message.

new year.

a new year, a new job, a new relationship, a new place in my life. these are some wishes i have. today the weather is a gorgeous 77 degrees and i've been basking in the sunshine for as long as possible. i'm wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and my converse sneakers. i feel so healthy now that i have permanently said farewell to cigarettes, and it's friday. what a great day. i spent the afternoon with jess. she is recovering from a bad car wreck. on tues. night she was going to meet me out at a gay bar for ladies' night and i told her i would come pick her up on the way. but she insisted on riding her bike downtown in the dark. she rides her bike everywhere. when i arrived at the bar and she was nowhere in sight, except for my gay boyfriend who was tagging along for the night, i called her. that was when she told me she was in the ER because she had been hit by a drunk driver! it was surreal, and she sounded in shock. the damage is: her pinkie is fractured, she has cuts all over her body, her foot is banged up, and she lost her shoe. other than that, she's going to be o.k. luckily, she was not seriously hurt. the man who hit her was so drunk at 9:30 at night that even when the police arrested him, he tried to get back into his car to drive home. it was a truly f*cked up incident. i think that he should have to pay for some spa treatments, plus new shoes and a new bike for her, in addition to covering her medical bills. it was more or less a hit and run accident, had it not been for some people who forced the man not to flee. the news made for a strange night at the bar. there were actually a lot of women out, and some i would have been interested in talking to. the annoying part is that the bartender said to my gay boyfriend: "so...is your girlfriend always so shy?" he said: "um..she's not my girlfriend. we're both gay." she then gave me this look, like she was seeing me in a whole new light. gay, huh. we realized that people look at us and probably assume that we're together, and maybe even think that we've come to the gay bar to pick up another woman for a threesome, which is SO far from the truth. we might have to make t-shirts that read "we're not together." he loves hanging out with lesbians, so i feel unbelievably blessed that i have a friend like him to go out to places like this with me. i happen to love gay men, so it seems to work both ways. i just enjoyed the eye candy. it's not making the first move that scares me. it's not rejection that scares me. it's being involved with someone who 1. simply wants to sleep with me and 2. will abandon me for someone else. being hurt is my ultimate fear. i want a real relationship, a lover who wants me to be lady no. 1 in her life. i feel hopeless, almost, that i will never find a woman who meets me halfway again. yinon was there to snap me out of that irrational fear. i won't always be alone. i will indefinitely fall in love again. i only wish i could fast-forward time to that place. i have daydreams about my future life with this partner.

here is mischa lounging on her green chair. i could not believe it when i watched her open the cabinet in the kitchen last night, remove the catnip lid, and help herself to a snack! having a beta fish might not be such a grand idea. she would be able to remove whatever lid i've placed on the tank and go for the fish.

this morning i met some friends for a swedish teenage vampire movie. the glitch was that it only showed at 11 a.m. what with the blood and violence, most of our lunch went untouched. i could not open the ketchup for the french fries.

i have found a position here that i would like to interview for. i devoted several hours to composing the most. compelling. cover letter. ever. a new art gallery is in search of a candidate to manage their art outreach classes, and they want someone with a master's degree and a strong background in the arts and social work, with some management experience. the classes are for people with and without special needs, but most concentrated on the special needs population. we'll see what happens.

rolling.

last night i walked in the door to find my cat, mischa, rolling around on the dining room floor in a whole jar full of catnip. she had cleverly knocked over the jar from the table and let it spill, getting higher than a kite and covered from head to paws in catnip. it's too bad i didn't take a photo. she is the most cuddly, affectionate ball of fur and flabbiness, and loves to be the center of attention. the evening must have been like x-mas to her.

i'm thinking about getting a beta fish this year and a ton of plants. oh- and i'll be moving. i may have found a new place to move into in june. my friend is most likely moving out of his 1950s duplex, leaving a vacant room with his roommate who will need a new roommate to move in. the place is adorable and f*cked up in the all the right places. hardwood floors, a fifties kitchen with black and white tile, two bedrooms, windows looking out onto trees. it has the charm that i'm looking for and is located in a cozy neighborhood north of the university. summer feels like the perfect time to move and i would love to have a roommate to keep me company. as long as he is fine with mischa and she is fine with him, i think it might work out. i'm not accustomed to living with someone. it's been years, in fact. but i welcome a change. i look forward to evenings chatting with my roommate over cups of tea. the only reservation i have about living with someone is.... what about sex?

my current place is so creatively un-inspiring. sure, it's been christened with sex with my ex, but artistically, i've felt deadened. it's brand new with white walls, white carpet (who puts in white carpet?), and most of the people who live in the building seem business like and republican. the kitchen is gorgeous, though, the nicest kitchen i have ever cooked in with hardwood floors, black granite counters, and elegant lighting. the bathroom has a huge garden tub and more marble. the balcony overlooks downtown. i have a washer and drier, a large walk-in closet, and built-in bookcases, tons of windows that let in the sunshine. it's a luxury space and i should be grateful for the chance to have a home that is not depressing, yet it's becoming too expensive and i'm not able to create in it. i flourished artistically in my old, dark apartment off of south first street with the cracked vinyl. weird, eh? i want to move somewhere that inspires me again. i'm not that happy living here. it's not ME.

be careful what you wish for.

one of the baristas at the coffee house said today: "you mean...you haven't found a job yet?"

it's a sensitive subject. i'm actively applying. trust me on that. i'm doing what i can. i know that something good will come along. it must. on some days, like today, i feel as though i'm not doing enough work in the world, and i'm not talking about the paid sort of work. (funny i should say this now that i'm unemployed). i always live as if i'm about to die any day now, which probably explains my tendency toward impulsiveness and speed. i wish to spend my time doing work that actually matters, you know, work that is enriching lives, because as soon as you die, how you have treated people around you is what matters most. that is how i see it. i've spent quite a few years in offices in front of a computer doing paperwork to pay the bills. be careful what you wish for, because i did wish that i no longer had to work for the company i was at. i had even confided in close friends that i wanted to do something else back in october, and bam, i was out of a job the following week. apparently, my thoughts are powerfully manifested. i'm now concentrating on these words:

+i will find a job soon and i will love it.
+i will meet someone fabulous this year and i will fall in love again.

there. i got that off my chest. i'm sending out positive vibes.

the editor at the publishing co. is still reviewing my manuscript. i wish he would say YES, we would love to publish your work. it's this project looming over my head. he wrote today that he will get back to me soon. oh- patience has never been one of my virtues. come hell or high water, the book will be printed and bound and on the shelf at bookwoman. it would be most excellent of him if he wants to support a local poet. the book is in part protest of prop. 8, 69 pages chock full of poetry on politics, lesbian love, sex, rainbows, and city life.

the new year.

the first post of 2009. i attended a potluck dinner with yinon and he was such a gold-star gay boy for going to a lesbian party with me after that. the moment we walked in, we got some looks. i saw one woman look at me and mouth to another: "straight." she was obviously from the dark ages. how can you know what someone is by looking at them? it ennerved me. i was dressed up for the night in black tights, a skirt, and a sexy top that shows some cleavage, partially revealed beneath my black coat, and after some years of dressing down my flaming femininity to somehow fit in more with the lesbian community, i have swung back in the opposite direction. i will be openly bisexual or feminine or whatever i am and not care what some people think. what it comes down to is embracing and valuing who you are. i told yinon that if any women gave him trouble, they would have to deal with me and my high heels :) no one was rude from that point on. we had fun drinking glasses of wine and chatting with a few ladies, and stood around a bonfire, soaking in the warmth from the crackling fire, listening to the musician perform. the night was ended with a view of fireworks flashing over downtown and sitting in his kitchen with a cup of hot tea. i like today because today is the day that i let go of negative energy from the last year. today is a clean slate. a new beginning. it feels liberating and exciting. e was my first real lesbian relationship. she was my first true lover. i want to honor her place in my world and be able to move onto a new relationship with someone else.

my horoscope of the day:
Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn't about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it's about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things -- things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can't do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you'll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be.