Am I doing enough??

I ask myself this question from time to time.

I think: I could be volunteering one day a week at Meals-on-Wheels...mentoring a student from a poor neighborhood...cooking dinners for friends who need a little TLC...maybe offering to be a grant writer for free at a non-profit organization.

I want my work to be about helping people and it is along those lines, however, I wind up feeling like I fall short on my humanitarian endeavors and then I feel overwhelmed.

Morning text conversation with P.

me: Seeing E* with that guy made me wonder if I should consider dating men again. I slept with one this weekend and soon remembered why I stopped. It is just not my cup of tea, darling... er, package.

P: Duh. LoL.

me: Curiosity satisfied.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Evening events included:

*Listening to Matthew Shephard's mother talk at Book People marking 11 years after his death.
*Central market grocery shopping.
*Cooking a late dinner feasting on shiitake mushrooms, beautiful eggplant, broccoli, spinach, carrots, and tomatoes.
*Reading while listening to the rainstorm outside the house.

i heart the twins.

Dear Universe,

I revisited the land of men this weekend. We partied hard together. Like old times. Tangueray & tonics, wine, whiskey, cigarettes. My gay boyfriend was passed out in the next room and his straight friend told me then that he thinks I'm smoking hot and that he wanted to sleep with me. I thought, why not? I wanted to have a little fun. He made me feel worshiped. I appreciated his Leondardo di Caprio-esque physique and tried to relax crossing over into the side I had left years ago. It was interesting. I felt like I was in some other reality because, as you know, it had been 3 1/2 years since I was with a man. I closed my eyes during moments and imagined myself with A* and with my ex-girlfriend. Sex with him was affirmation that I cannot be with a man, not in an ongoing relationship. You know this.

My gay boyfriend, my poor gay boyfriend, woke up in the middle of it and must have been so confused. We were lying in bed for a long time afterwards and the sun rose. He said "You deserve beautiful women to date."

So. Please, I'm placing a request that you send me a wonderful lady soon. I will be forever grateful.

Love,
M

There's more....

Phone call with the landlord resulted in her telling me that her boyfriend, the electrician, had been over to the house BEHIND our house making repairs on the roof. Hmmm.

Me: "I saw him in our backyard working on our lights."

Landlord: "Oh no... he was fixing the roof on the house behind YOURS."

Some silence.

Landlord: "Why, does he makes you feel uncomfortable?"

(Even if I had said no, she would have sided with him).

"We don't care who is working on our house. What we would like is for you to give us some advance notice that you need to come over, or preferably, that we be home at the time."

I'm not saying that HE is the window watcher. The bottom line is he should not be working on or in our house without notifying us. It seems so fishy.

Today marks the Fall Equinox. The vivid colors and energies of autumn are meant to come out in full force. I've experienced moments of intense optimism. I dream of next year's garden filled with purple eggplants, spinach, rows of lettuce, yellow and butternut squash, big pumpkins to cut open and carve. Going to Wheatsville Co-op reminds me to celebrate the harvest, to eat what is in season, and to remember that the Earth grows different foods at certain times.

My roommate and I are going to get pumpkins soon to carve into jack-o-lanterns. I have a phobia of sharp knives so guess who won't be carving. I'll be in the kitchen washing the seeds, spreading them out on a pan, adding salt, and sticking the whole pan in the oven to roast. Homemade salted pumpkin seeds with a beer is a treat I look forward to year after year. Yum. The perfect beer on my list right now is Live Oak Hefeweissen with a slice of lemon. I had a frothy pint with a friend at The Spiderhouse late last night with the lemon floating in the center and reminisced on "the good old days" when I would come all the time with friends. R? Are you reading? You remember those nights. Now I rarely ever go to The Spiderhouse. It is out of my neighborhood and I feel like it is no longer quite my scene.

Downtown at a theater, I partook in a monthly queer film series. This month's feature was the movie "Bound," a long time favorite. But first we had to sit through a horrible and raunchy burlesque skit performed by drag queens, sure to illicit some nightmares for lesbians in the audience. I'm just sayin'.

D: How are you today, sweetpea?
Me: Feeling a little under the weather.
D: How come?
Me: Had a late night. Have work this afternoon. Not only is my butch ex-girlfriend femmed out in dresses, but I learned last night that she is dating a man.
D: Whoa. Surreal! I thought you said she was a lesbian.
Me: She is. She was. Bisexual now. I guess. She has never seriously dated men before in her life. I know deep down that it does not matter what she is wearing and the gender of the person she is involved with. She loves to play around with the illusion of gender, and I appreciated that about her. It just- is like- witnessing Ellen D. deciding to wear a mini skirt every day now and walking down the street with a boyfriend instead of Portia.
D: Yea.
Me: She has had some grand epiphany about her identity and I wish that epiphany were to include me. That is what this is really about. I wish she wanted to get back together with me or I wish we were still friends.

I think that our window watcher was back last night. The trouble we had with him before was at a height in June and July. I became a paranoid mess. Shadows at night began to look like a person hiding in the bushes. The sound of the pipes creaking sounded like someone breaking in. I would shake from fear whenever the motion detecting light would switch on outside my bedroom window. I would scream the times I saw him standing outside my window and call the police. Most window watchers or peeping toms are harmless. The danger lies in what it can escalate into. I invested in heavy shades to cover the blinds, and since then, my windows have been covered like a chastity belt most of the time. We had the landlord clear out the brush on one side of the house, and lights were installed around the exterior of the house. What idiot would dare to window watch when he could be so easily recognized?

I have not had any incidents since July. Last night I guess I forgot to draw the shades over the blinds on one of my windows. I went to bed around 1 in the morning, and after the lights had been switched off and I was in bed, the motion detector light went on right outside the window. Three times. What alarmed me more was that the cats acted like there was someone outside. Izzy was scratching to see through the blinds and Mischa was beside me looking at the window with an alert expression. Maybe, maybe it was a possum or a stray dog wandering through the back yard that set off the light several times, but given the context, I had a sick feeling that the window watcher was there, and if so, it indicates it has to be someone who lives nearby who would notice that my shades were not drawn over the window, offering an invitation for him to watch the house. I have no clue who it might be. But I reach this point where I begin to suspect almost all strange men around me.

Yesterday afternoon, I got back to the house around 3:30 and noticed that the landlord's boyfriend, an electrician by trade, was in our backyard tinkering with what looked like the motion sensing lights. I thought it was odd and even more peculiar that he acted like he did not see me, even though I parked the car right behind him and we were about 10 feet apart. I got the impression he did not expect for me to be home at this hour. He avoided conversation with me in regards to explaining what he was doing to our house. I unlocked the front door and right away I detected a scent, his scent, in our living room. Like he had been inside our house earlier. "Do you think he is the window watcher?" My roommate texted me this morning from work. "That would be so twisted. I don't know what to believe...." I said. When you're feeling victimized, your mind can come up with some interesting ideas. What if the landlord's boyfriend has installed tiny surveillance cameras in our house? What if he was trying to tweak the motion detecting lights so that they would stop switching on at night? What if he has a spooky habit of coming into our house while we're at work? I didn't notice that anything had been moved. But I will say that I had the eerie feeling that he had been inside. His musty scent hung low in the air.

The deal is we rarely ever have men over at our house. We have cats, not a dog. Lesbians and bi women not living with men become easier targets. I've heard more incidents about lesbians in this city being targeted by window watchers and break-ins, interestingly. I'm placing a phone call to my landlord sometime soon to casually inquire about the lights. She might not even be aware that he had been over to the house yesterday.

I've luckily been able to find a part-time job as a freelance writer for a real estate company, which is going to save me. I'll probably work at a coffee house with a bottomless cup of coffee every afternoon, laptop computer in tow. I'd like to have internet at the house so that I can work from my "home studio," but I have a hunch that I would spend too much time fooling around in my pj's. When you work for yourself, I think it's essential to know where to draw the lines and how to balance home and work spaces, otherwise, work will invade every part of your life. I love being self-employed because it offers a greater sense of control over what I create. You can negotiate your rates. You can turn a project down. You can choose not to work on a Monday morning if you so desire and sleep in (like I did this morning). You have so many more liberties. Between writing, tutoring several students, and designing gardens here and there, I think I will be o.k.

I've got my soul back.

The lesson I'm learning is that you should go after what you want out of this world. Follow your dreams. Do what you love. The universe will shift for you in places you never expected, cracking open hot springs and carving out paths. Make a list of what you desire. Imagine how you want your life to look.

Last night was partying at a professor's house with a crowd of grungie, middle-aged scholars and their vast liquor collection. Conversation was so intensely cerebral that at one point I thought my brain might explode from excessive information. I've been out of the academic environment for two years, and on one hand being intellectually stimulated was refreshing, and on the other, I found the conversations aggravating. They exist within their own elitist world and expect everyone else around them to comprehend their pretentious euphemisms and symbolic references. Who the fuck cares. It was like they were trying to outdo each other with their knowledge and memorized quotes from famous dead people. I imagined the professor with flash cards each night memorizing these quotes so he could impress people.

I sat in a chair across from my new friend, J, a filmmaker and artist, and we exchanged glances. The professor stopped conversation and says to me in a lowered voice, "So did you two like... smoke out before you came here?" He thought I was stoned. I almost let him believe it. I soon recognized this boy who used to work at the neighborhood coffee bar I would write at. He is seriously the most perfect guy for me if I wanted to be with one. He is beautiful, like a work of art, with these gorgeous blue eyes and thick, long eyelashes, dark curls that frame his face. He's kind and charming and smart and a little goofy with his sense of humor and attentive. We clicked the first time we ever met, and I am aware of a chemistry and attraction that flows between us. "Would you be the sperm donor for me and my future girlfriend?" I thought. He's a man I would procreate with. As much as I like him and admire his beauty, I just cannot quite wrap my head around sleeping with him. O- how weird that would be after 3 1/2 years. But I think that there is an attraction and also a repulsion I experience for physically being with men. He knows I date women.

We wandered down the street around 3 in the morning, leaving some of the people, to explore a secret park in the neighborhood that the professor wanted to show us. It felt like the most out-of-reality night I've had in years, probably since my days living as an exchange student in Germany. There was a high moon tower and some of the boys tried climbing it in the darkness. I was worried that one would miss a step and fall to their death. It could have happened since they were drunk. I got home and it was almost 4 in the morning. Today I feel absolutely out of it and exhausted. Those were my nightly adventures...

I'm going to be breaking up soon with my therapist. I feel like she does not understand me at all after a year of our conversations. She told me that my main problem is that I "need" a relationship too much and this scares people away. Someone who knows me well would probably say that my intensity in a relationship can sometimes be off putting to certain people who prefer lightness. I've been solo for a long time and not afraid to be single. When I was seeing A. this summer, I never mentioned that I was looking for a relationship, nor did I act frighteningly serious about being together. I was going with the flow, letting whatever evolve into whatever it was meant to be, enjoying the time together, filling it with fun and laughter. When A. did what she did in the manner that she did it, I found her to be.. a jerk. Instead of offering consolation or framing the experience into a more positive and enlightening light, which is what I needed from a counseling session, my therapist said, "Do you want to know what I think your problem is?" I leaned forward in my chair to listen, disappointed in the end with her assessment of me. I don't think that A. stopped seeing me because of my "great need" for a relationship. I don't believe that that was it. Whatever happened to the belief that dating sometimes involves being with people who aren't a match? Is that not what dating is about? You discover more about yourself and other people. You discover that perhaps you are not suited for each other. I think A. is narrow minded and a bit of a jerk to people! There. I said it. And she is not the right woman for me. I belong with someone who is far more open minded, caring, and not afraid of new experiences. A. is so fixed in her ways that I believe we would have spent 50 percent of our time fighting. She was adorable and sexy and all that and I think that had she been more bending, it could have possibly been a romantic match. But... alas. It ended.

I'm taking my therapist's observation into account, but I've decided that this "therapy" is no longer that valuable to me anymore. I feel worse after my sessions. She made me feel like it's my fault that my relationships have not panned out- relationships are so complex and there are always two sides to every relationship. I'm an intense person who will find someone who likes my intensity and passion. E. loved my intensity. Why seek to alter who I am? I believe in embracing who you are. Eff that. If A. was indeed frightened that I was interested in a relationship with her, then I think she has some issues to deal with around intimacy. Therapy to me now is working with plants and cooking. Food is healing. Volunteering my time places is healing. Having my hair cut at a cool salon is healing. Creating art is healing. I would seek out a more holistic counselor in the future if I decide to have one again, a counselor who is more nurturing and empowering. She isn't a bad therapist. She is simply no longer what I need from counseling sessions.

I went to "The Big Gay Musical," part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Fest, with my gay boyfriend and his friend. I sat between them and munched on food at the Alamo Drafthouse. I had this gut wrenching inkling that I would see my ex-girlfriend, and minutes after that thought, I saw her coming into the theater. I almost fell out of my chair when I saw that she was wearing a dress. My soft butch ex was femmed out! She was in a darling retro black 1950s dress, one that I would love to wear. Her hair is longer and no longer dyed blond. It was surreal. I'm almost certain she spotted me because we were the few lesbians in the theater of gay men, and gay it was for the next 2 hours. My gay boyfriend commented on how the musical was "so very gay."

I'm supposed to be looking for work right now. I'm supposed to be going to a yoga class. I'm supposed to be in other places. Time to sign off.

Roommate is out of town for Labor Day weekend, and I have the house to myself with the two cats. I need to clean from top to bottom and wash the mountain of laundry. Boring details I won't bother you with. FALL is around the corner, even though it is still 98 degrees outside. I'm asking a friend (Liz?) to come over soon to advise me on planting a fall vegetable garden behind the house. There is already a sizable raised plot of soil near the drive way. I'm thinking about planting cucumbers, carrots, lettuce, spinach, pumpkins, squash, and eggplants. I'm set to get dirty. Yesterday was the last day of work at The Company, my last day of ever working for Corporate America in an office. I'm officially a FREELANCE WRITER, occasional ENGLISH TUTOR, and laying down the roots for a LANDSCAPE DESIGN business, which is what I would like to be doing mostly full time in the future. I'm scared, self-doubting, yet glowing with happiness about this major transition. I celebrated with sangria and a plate of French bread and cheese with D. at the East Side Show Room. Then I read my September horoscope, and now I'm more terrified. It said that my career sector is going to be tough until January when the planet Saturn, ruler of discipline, exits that part of my chart. I wanted to read that September marks a point of good fortune and that I will have smooth sailing from here on out. I should edit my horoscope...