Saturday, October 31, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Quote of the day

"You mean, you didn't want a roller coaster in your flower bed?"

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Business.

This afternoon I had exactly $1.83 in my checking account when I received my first freelance writing check in the mail. I immediately rushed off to the bank and deposited it, smiling the whole drive. It is an amazing feeling to earn money completely by yourself, separate from "the man." I wanted to frame the check and hang it on my wall as a reminder. For the first time in my life, I'm paying for bills through MY OWN BUSINESS. CEO, creator, marketing director, and accountant rolled into one. The sweetness of bucking the corporate hierarchy of oppression feels oh so victorious. Rent will be paid this month through the earnings of my business.

Yesterday, a friend had invited me to a happy hour at someone's house, and picturing a happy hour with cocktails inside a house, I dressed up for the occasion. I had on high heels, fishnet stockings, and a short skirt, not understanding that the happy hour was at a working farm on the outskirts of the city. I felt like the quintessential city woman trekking through mud and green fields in high heels when the farmer led us on a full tour. Mosquitoes and darkness descending on us, we sat around a bonfire drinking beer and eating food. I hate mosquitoes and I was absolutely miserable in the fishnets and skirt, but I'm glad I experienced the farm. I realized how disconnected most people are from farms, from the food we buy at the grocery store. There are so many children who come of age not knowing what broccoli looks like in the ground or how it is grown. A travesty. The vegetables are harvested and then sold to local restaurants and stores like Whole Foods. They also sell free-range chicken and pork directly to families. We got a chance to see their enormous hogs and chicken.

Today, I slept until 1 in the afternoon and we carved pumpkins. It was about 75 degrees. I watched my housemate and her friend do the dirty work- I have a fear of sharp knives, you know. They took out the spaghetti-like insides and I harvested the seeds. Roasting them in the oven and adding salt makes for the perfect late night autumn snack. The seeds are soaking in a bowl of cold water near the sink right now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Why Men Love Bitches.

The release of Why Men Love Bitches has me thinking more about this observation and wondering: Is the same to be said for women who love women? The book obviously invites some controversy. The author writes that she is not advocating that women become more abrasive to appeal to men, rather that women learn how to stand their ground and not become a doormat in relationships.

She found the women men most desire are independent, pursue their own goals and dreams separate from a man, and do not expect him to rescue them. Men like a woman who does not place him at the center of everything in her life. Who doesn't appreciate a woman like that? And how does embodying these characteristics make a woman "a bitch"?

Personally I don't have the energy to read yet another book that tells me that I need to change myself in order to snag a relationship or that there is something lacking in me because I've had relationships that haven't panned out. I think you should simply be who you are and the right person will want to have you in their life. Not all men and women love bitches. That women in our culture are feeling pressured to place on the bitch mask to have men falling after us is unfortunate. I have not read the full book. But my reaction is "fuck it!" and read Cunt by Inga Muscio, a far more enlightening and empowering piece of work.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Food. Gardening. Poetry.

Here is a glimpse of what I like to do in my free time.

Quesadilla plate.


Brown rice with glazed tofu, cashews, and fall vegetables.


Chicken and mushrooms in a rosemary cream sauce with warm goat cheese.



We have a pumpkin now gracing our front porch and I would like to create a dish next month with the toasted pumpkin seeds. Stay tuned. Inspiration comes from this ingenious blog. What I never could quite express about my thoughts on the power we have to heal ourselves through food, she says it beautifully. My hands long to sink into warm dough as much as breaking open the earth and inhaling the smell of evergreens. My free time is spent dreaming about food and cooking and gardens and the poetry that runs through it. My table is a collage of cookbooks, gardening books, and books on fiction writing, where I make creations to release to the outside world.

I've been making phone calls this week to find a secure place to teach the writing workshops. My housemate's non-profit organization, the one I applied to work for a week ago, has now laid off the entire division the job was in. Now I understand why I was never called to interview! Knowing my luck, I would have been hired only to be laid off from yet another temp position. I've been considering waitressing to earn a little extra at this one favorite restaurant of mine that told me they were hiring. When I met with the manager yesterday afternoon after filling out the application in detail, he informed me that they are no longer hiring. I almost felt like crying getting back into my car parked on the street. The crushing weight of survival is intense. This is exactly the reason behind "diversifying" and going into business for myself as a designer, a teacher, and a writer. The roots of survival must not be completely dependent on other businesses and corporate America.

Drops of rain were falling onto the windshield, running down the glass, pooling at the bottom and rolling onto the front, and I just sat inside the car without switching it on. The beginning of rush hour traffic whizzed by. A street bum wandered down the sidewalk next to women in business suits waiting to cross at the light. I looked up at the tall city buildings full of offices and computers, which symbolize the core system I'm striving to break free from one day. However, I'm not about to turn down a job that pays well within it right now as I find new and alternative ways to earn a living. A friend's phone call interrupted my reverie and she said, "Hey, would you be interested in working as a freelance copywriter for the company I work for? My boss is looking for someone like you." It often comes down to not what you know but who you know in this city. The sunshine of hope began to creep back in like the sound of jazz music breaking me from the blues.

I remember my life two years ago. I remember having enough. I had my own apartment downtown with a garden tub and balcony overlooking the city. Black granite counter tops in the kitchen and tall bookshelves in the living room. Minutes from The Blue Dahlia Bistro and Rio Rita. I could walk to work in twenty minutes in the mornings. I had my own desk that I decorated with favorite photographs and books. I was paid well to write. I was dating E* and I remember her coming over to see me and how I would dash down the three flights of stairs to open the door to let her in. She would kiss me on the lips in the doorway and I would lead her back into my apartment. I miss that life. But I was aware of the void I felt being caught working for a corporation. Something was out of place and back then I could not place my finger on it. I was conscious on a deep level that this was not what I was meant to do for long. It was as if at any moment the foundation would snap and everything would be gone...

It did, and the pieces have been rearranged, but I am still standing.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"You aries women are always so focused on your careers..."

I'm in the midst of designing for my first client. My kitchen table is a mess, covered in colored pencils, pens, ruler, drawing paper, plant books, garden plans, aloe vera plants, and I love it. Yesterday I visited their house on the outskirts of the city limits. We walked through the backyard together. She told me "We're not on a budget. Design whatever you like." It was like music to my ears. To have the luxury of designing what I *want* in someone's half acre backyard is a total dream. I'm envisioning tall oleander trees lining the fence, magnolias, an intricate vegetable garden with Provencal paths, and colorful southwestern flower beds (roses too) accented with sand and beveled glass. She added that she would like to have me design a container garden for their courtyard in the future, and that she would be happy to recommend me to the neighborhood because "people are always looking for a landscape designer." I felt like I hit the jack pot. To go out on a limb and pursue something you love feels terrifying and also gratifying. Self-doubt is usually lurking in the background. Am I going to fuck it up? Am I going to fail? Can I actually do this?? I know I can't expect perfection in the beginning, but I have a good feeling about working as a designer, like it comes naturally. My second client, I'm meeting her this weekend to discuss how to re-design her backyard. I'll feel more confident as soon as I have these initial designs under my belt. I think that working with the city to revitalize areas too down the road could be an interesting project to be involved with. In regards to following my heart more, I've decided that my creative writing workshop series is in the works. I would like to teach a fall class on poetry, the short story and novel, and maybe a creative workshop on art therapy techniques for social workers and therapists to use with their clients (creative writing is naturally part of that). I will have to write out a curriculum for each workshop and figure out where the hell I'm going to teach! It could be out of my home dining room at first. I feel like it is now or never. Follow what you *really* want to be doing with your life. Right now.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sundays....

A rainy afternoon spent at the neighborhood coffee house applying for jobs and savoring a bottomless cup of coffee. Cross yer fingers and toes that someone calls soon. My housemate's non-profit organization is now hiring a quitline phone counselor to talk to people who are quitting smoking and she may be able to get me the interview. I actually used to work for this organization years ago.

Tonight will be cooking spicy spaghetti for dinner and a friend's going away art show complete with a poet from Chicago.

I love Sunday nights when the world slows down and time feels suspended in the air.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Because it is October and close to National Coming Out Day...

"But you're too feminine to be a lesbian..."


Tegan + Sara



Clementine Ford and her girlfriend.


The amazing Leisha Hailey.






I'm into shattering some stereotypes.

Rainy day...

Steady rain is in the forecast for the next several days and so I had to reschedule my sessions with the landscape design clients. I stayed home, lit vanilla candles, and made lunch for my housemate using what we had in the kitchen.

-cilantro
-garlic
-onions
-jalapenos

Here is what I decided on.

Quesadillas with Beans and Rice
I got out my cutting board and cut the above ingredients. I tossed the mixture into a pan sizzling with oil. The combination of the cooking cilantro, jalapenos, onions, and garlic was heavenly!

Then I took some corn tortillas and warmed them in another pan with oil. Tortillas are complete when lightly crisped and steaming hot.

I added grated Monterrey Jack cheese to the middle of a tortilla with the onion mixture, folded it in half, and flipped it over to heat each side like a pancake.

I arranged several quesadillas on a plate and filled the center of the plate with a cup of brown rice, red beans, a handful of cilantro, and a row of spicy pico de gallo. I sliced up part of a jalapeno and decorated the outside of the quesadillas to make the plate extra dazzling. I wish I had had an avocado because it would have been a nice touch to add around the edges of the plate with a sliced lime for flavoring the beans and rice.

She loved it, and this made me happy.
______________________________________________________________________________________

If only I were not on a budget, I would cook up a storm in the kitchen every day and have my friends over for dinner all the time. I'm a believer in buying locally, utilizing what is in season, and being mindful about how your food has been treated before it came into your hands. Cooking at home is one way you can be more connected to everything around you. Even though I'm almost broke, I can still cook.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

October Horoscope.

From www.Astrologyzone.com.

Every once in a while planets play musical chairs and instantly, everything starts to look and feel different. This is one of those landmark months where you may be astonished to see that happen. After October is over, you will shift your priorities away from career concerns - which have consumed you lately - and toward fun, friends, and romance. Your career will not suffer from emphasizing your private life. Over past months you've given your career so much attention that it has been at the neglect of almost everything else. Let the ventures you've put in motion move forward now at their own pace while you turn your gaze in another direction.

The first two weeks will be excellent for making family, home, and other property decisions. Throughout September, Mercury was retrograde and not the time to commit to any long-term decisions. By now Mercury has moved direct, so it is safe for you to act. With your ruling planet Mars still brightening your home sector during October's first half, you can be twice as productive with home and family-related matters now. Aim to be finished by October 15.

One or both of your parents may have been on your mind too, and if so, you will feel better about that situation after Mars moves off your fourth house - October 16. I cannot see everything in your natal chart from where I sit, so if you have had an argument with a parent (hope not, but if so) it may be that Mars was in harsh angle to other natal planets in your chart. Again, after October 15 things will be better. Mars is your ruler, so while everyone will feel a shift, the move of Mars to another place will have a much greater effect on you.

Mars will move into your house of new love/true love, not for the typical 7-week stay, but for nearly 8 months - from October 16, 2009, until June 7, 2010. While Mars will be moving at a much quicker speed this coming spring (for those readers living "down under," in your winter), you will still have an excellent chance to enjoy romance now through early December. If you are not dating, you may have a fateful meeting soon and have even more chances to socialize and find a perfect romantic partner for you in the New Year. Attached? You'll enjoy quality time with your partner and doing so will help you reignite your relationship in an exceptional warm and wonderful way.

You apparently are serious about shaping your private life to the way you had always hoped it to be, for Saturn, the planet of maturity, will move into your marriage sector on October 29 for a three-year stay. In that time, you won't be as willing to date only for fun, but you will also want to see that your romantic partner has long-term potential for a commitment. If you feel this person does not, you'll quickly move on to another. Under this trend, you'll have to be sure the partner is as presented. Proceed slowly before you get involved. If you undertake marriage between now and October 2012, you will enter into it with great seriousness and awareness, a good sign, for that attitude will increase your chances of success.

If you are already wed, Saturn's move into this house indicates a change is about to take place, and you will be challenged to renew your commitment. You will need to reinvent your relationship, and Saturn will give you several clues about how to do that.

In all, you have an exciting journey ahead, one that will leave you with a private life that truly nurtures you.
Always applying for contract writing and editing projects, part-time office work, copywriting and editing positions in and outside of the city. Getting almost nowhere this week. I almost had a meltdown when my dad said to me "I think you should apply to get on welfare."

You want to believe that your family will be able to support you in harder financial times. You want to believe that there is someone to catch you when you fall. They can afford to give me some money here and there for groceries, but I cannot expect much more than that. I have the sporadic income from the freelance writing gig and the students I'm tutoring. I also have a landscape design client I'm designing for this weekend, which I'm excited about. But if I do not make enough money in the coming weeks, my car is at risk of being re-possessed. I'm at risk of having to file for bankruptcy because I can't afford my student loan payments. Convenient that my sister is a bankruptcy attorney. I'm almost at risk, if I don't earn enough money, to move back in with my parents and force my housemate to live with a stranger. I feel horrible that my financial situation is affecting her.

The whole situation makes me sick. I have a college degree, a master's degree, years of work experience. I'm an intelligent, creative, and hard working person; I rationalize that I should be able to support myself. Part of the reason I was so upset when I learned that my position was being cut at the company was exactly this reality. I envisioned it long before it came down to this and shifted the picture to a positive and happy ending in my mind, seeing myself as a successful freelancer working from my home office or perhaps at a company again as their copywriter. I envision the possibilities, the potential, the richness.

Submitting an application for welfare assistance and food stamps royally depressed me last night. Such a radical extreme from sending those cover letters for cushy editorial jobs I had worked on earlier in the day. I never thought I would have to be on welfare. I never thought my family would allow me to reach that point. My dad even lectured me on selling my honda civic, only 2 1/2 years away from being completely mine. I refuse to give up just yet. It has only been a little over 3 weeks since I've been out of work. I'm choosing to be optimistic. This rough patch is only temporary. I just wish I could find a great job, be o.k., and get on with life. Why must it be so f*cking difficult?

I'm leery of people who say that your outer reality is a reflection of your inner thoughts. As if I wanted this to happen to me? As if I'm not doing everything in my power to survive? How can they say that I brought this situation about? It really ticks me off when hard times are chalked up to the person consciously or unconsciously attracting them into their life. There are millions of people living in poverty around the world. Don't tell me that it's all their fault. Same with those who are caught living in war zones. The world is a combination of goodness and injustice.