heartbreaks and healing.

traffic is so heavy with it being memorial day that i could have driven to san antonio faster than the time it took me to drive south of the bridge for breakfast and back. seriously. i viewed the sickening long line of people at bouldin creek, torchy's tacos, and several other places, crowds of people congregating under the hot sun, and had to settle on thai food takeout, spending more $ than i intended. i should have just stayed home and cooked an omelette.

my housemate, alicia, returned from vacation early this morning. it was lonely at night when she was away. the flipside is i'm not used to sharing a living space with someone at all. i'm used to being able to come home and retreat from the rest of the world, not having to converse with anyone, and now i find myself retreating to a coffee house or going out for a walk through the neighborhood to tap into that solitude i once always had in my home. i'm cooking dinner for the two of us one night this week- a first roommate dinner in the house to celebrate moving in.

my bedroom is looking more and more like a real room. there are still boxes in need of being unpacked, and the trunk of my car is filled with suitcases i don't know where i will store. i need to hang pictures and decorate and strew candles about. we are in that interim state between "moved in" and "settled in." who knows how long it will take before we feel we are settled. mischa seems happy at least and hangs out most afternoons on alicia's couch while her cat sleeps on mine. (ironic).

i'm meeting agatha in person to make the poetry book official before i send it to print. the book release has struck a deeper chord for me than most people realize, leading to scenes like tearing up in public with p. in a diner, and crying in the car to sappy love songs on magic 95.5 that remind me of my friend j. i went on some 'shopping therapy' to buffalo exchange to somehow fill the emotional black hole. when i look better, i feel better.

i've resolved to still mail her a copy of the book with a personal dedication (not a public one), and doing so leaves me in a vulnerable position. p. said it so well the other day: "maybe there is grieving and healing that needs to take places with the ending of that relationship." i think that the act of mailing her the book is my own ritual of letting go, of moving forward, of placing that era somewhere else. part of me is aware that now she is not really worthy of my friendship after how she has acted this past year, and that i deserve someone who treats me well and respects me. but for about two years of life when the bulk of this poetry was written, she was my bestest friend and the catalyst in my realization that i needed to be more committed to self-LOVE before loving someone else. i needed to stop the self-ABUSE through being around certain people who did not honor me. (prior to that time, i never recognized that as abuse).

she was that woman who held up a mirror and told me how amazing and phenomenal she thought i was and i began to listen for the first time. i began to take myself seriously as a poet, as an artist, as a voice, as a woman. it is said that you have found yourself when you find people who can see you. j saw me, not that my other friends did not see me; it was more that she was able to get me to see myself in a higher light, to realize who i am. i think it's important to hear that from someone else from time to time, and to fully realize your value and worth as a person. there is nothing selfish about valuing and loving who you are. it is essential. like breathing. now, i'm being forced to practice her very advice - with her. she moved out of state, severed ties with various people, and is no longer interested in continuing a friendship. i could just never send the book and go on my merry way, but somehow, in order to complete the circle of love and loss, i want to send the book to her. there was a hell of a lot more to our friendship.

i resent that i can be so sentimental, clinging, and unable to let go of relationships that fall apart. i'm searching for a path to make peace with the end of this relationship and to have a heart that is healed once again.