changes.

the universe is suddenly shaking up my world and forcing me into action.

the news came about my grandmother, my mother's mother, who lives in chicago. she was having stomach pains and after testing the doctor discovered it is because she has cancer, pancreatic cancer that has spread to most other organs in her body. we knew she was probably not going to be alive for that much longer, but facing her impending death is difficult to process. i called her on saturday to wish her a happy 87th birthday, knowing full well it will be her last birthday ever, the last time i can ever say "happy birthday, grandma." my other grandma died several years ago, also from cancer. i told her that i will coming to see her in two weeks, and that seemed to cheer her up a little. she is drugged on morphine and was in the hospital on sunday for a sudden blood clot in her leg. the doctor says she has a couple of months left to live, if even. death is closing in and there is little to do to stop it.

but she still has her mind and her wits about her. dying from pancreatic cancer, a quickly fatal cancer, is the best way to go, i think. she will not be losing her memory or battling a long debilitating illness. the doctors are making her as comfortable as possible in these last months. she has lived a long life, and not that many people die surrounded by children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

on the phone, she sounded sick but tried to crack some jokes. she began recounting the story about when i was younger and she would take me out for dessert. she used to split a rich chocolate dessert with me at this one restaurant, and when i turned four, i told her that she would have to order herself one because i could eat the whole brownie myself. from then on, she always had to order two desserts. "you always have had such a sweet tooth, dear..." she said over the phone. this is what my grandmother will remember about me. my sweet tooth.

at work i learned that the company is going to be cutting my position soon, but miraculously, i convinced the head of the dept. to allow me to stay on for some time until i can find a new position. he sat me down in his office and closed the door.

"you have this amazing energy," he said, staring straight into my soul. "you're a creative thinker and you belong in very creative work. from the moment i met you i sensed that there is something specific you are meant to do with your life. this is not it. when i hired you i knew that you simply needed a job, that you would not be sticking around for long. i can feel every day in your aura that you HATE being here, and i want to help you. tell me. what is it you really want to do?"

i felt like i was under an x-ray sitting across from him, like he was reading my inner thoughts. it is rare to find a manager who actually gives a damn. most managers would say "see ya and good luck." who really cares about people these days?

i sat in his office for the next hour listening and answering questions. he said that the worst event (such as losing your job) can actually be the best opportunity, and i completely agree. i just feel like most employers tune into the fact that i'm a creative person, despite my efforts to downplay that during interviews for less creative work, and i feel like this is always held against me. over and over. don't they want someone who is creative? i was not hired to be an editor for the university because the editor pointed out "i can tell you're creative and you belong in creative work." thanks, but that does not mean i'm not capable of doing the work.

so what next?

the bargain i made with my manager is that i will meet with him each week to fill him in and meanwhile i can continue working there. maybe this is precisely what i have needed to happen.