june.

tonight i watered the plants on the front porch, pots of basil, oregano, and rosemary, and colorful succulents. i looked at a pack of cigarettes. then i registered online for jury duty for the first. time. ever. i'm called to appear at the courthouse right after the 4th of july weekend. fingers are crossed that i'll be released after that first day. the worst case scenario is being selected as a juror in a month long trial. what a nightmare. as much as i love being out of the office i can't afford the luxury. who can these days? i also am having mixed feelings about the process of judging. at the core, i believe that rehabilitation, community service, and legal mediations are the higher answer compared to retributive justice and capital punishment. i'm not comfortable with how we as a society deal with 'offenders.' we are not really addressing the root of violence - what inclines people to abuse each other. true justice is paying for a mistake one time; true injustice is paying for a mistake over and over, and that we have prisons brimming with thousands and thousands of lives behind bars is beyond depressing. i want no part in it. believe me, i want to be somewhere other than in that courtroom. i realize i'm not like many people out there because i seek to change the status quo, not exist within it. i'm not too old to believe i can change the world a little. releasing my first poetry book is a prime example. the book isn't solely flowery language and poems about romance; it has a political stance, too. i feel my family cannot understand why i am an activist for equal rights, why i place myself out on the line publicly, why i care to share details of my personal life with strangers. i have begun to consciously realize that i don't want to censor myself. i don't want to stop performing drag and burlesque on stage. i don't want to stop writing about sex (or having sex!). i don't want to stop creating art that might surprise or challenge. i don't want to stop being who i am, which by nature, is to be open and a bit rebellious at times. shutting up, buttoning up, and accepting the status quo of the world translates to placing a big piece of duct tape over my mouth.