i was doing so well with moving on from breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and then i had to see her right as i walked into this coffee place. the old emotions came flooding back to me. the memory of physical embraces and everything. i think i'm never going to be 100 percent over her, not until i'm happily involved with someone else and years have gone by. that is what it will probably take. what is surreal is seeing the fine line between someone being your lover and being your worst enemy.

she has cut her hair, almost shaved it, and is no longer bleaching it blond. when i looked at her, she looked down at her computer like she thought that somehow not looking me in the eye would hide her body from my line of vision. i walked past the table, up the stairs, and into the coffee place, the door swinging behind.

this sort of immaturity and childishness is exactly what i don't need or want. i need someone who matches me and can handle being on polite terms regardless if we're staying together or not. interactions with her in the last year have been upsetting. but i'm not going to allow the negativity from her to steal my happiness.

tonight i'm going out with two friends to a club downtown where there is a huge lesbian party. the s.i.n. party. i went to urban outfitters to find a shirt to wear and the deal breaker was when a woman, who is a lesbian, saw me with it on in the dressing room and said, "wow. i love that shirt." i was at a different store with it on and several women stopped to ask, "where did you get your shirt?" women like this shirt.

on another note, my friend is designing some parts of my writing portfolio this weekend. i've been getting one together to show to my manager to hopefully get the promotion that i desire. i needed her to visually spice up the text to give articles a magazine layout and design. i'll have the pieces printed on high-grade paper for a small book. i can't believe i've gone this long without a real portfolio. i think having a portfolio and a website, no matter how basic, is essential for writers. included in the portfolio is a "writer's statement" plus the front cover image of the poetry book. i'm torn over whether or not i want to have some of my poetry and fiction writing in the portfolio. i would have to select excerpts that are not provocative in nature. hard for me to do!