issues.

it's the weekend, my most favorite time to unwind and write in coffee houses. this time- no more cover letters.

i'm exhausted from job training and probably the stress of having been unemployed for 3.5 months. on both friday and saturday nights i slept over twelve hours, not to mention experiencing the appetite of a pregnant chic. my new job, to be honest, sounds better on paper. the depressing part is that i've applied to over 70 jobs in austin since october and had but 3 job interviews. this was the only company that would hire me. i'm so overqualified for this position that i could break down and cry.

in my past job i was one of the lead editors/copywriters for a luxury travel website. i helped build the website from scratch. i coordinated meetings and supervised interns. i got a chance to train under a renowned writer from conde nast travel and work with some talented people. i was granted freedom and responsibility and creativity. i wrote about hundreds of hotels, destinations, and created copy for ads. my boss was like susan sarandon, empowering me to do more in the business world, and treated me with respect. it was an amazing opportunity back then. now i find myself at the bottom of the company ladder, spending the day transferring data for ads from one website to the next with only some copywriting mixed in. copy, paste, copy, paste. that is what the people on my team are reduced to. the job description from their ad was such a joke. it's a serious step down from what i used to do at work.

this company is a different travel website, and they could absolutely use someone like me to enhance the quality of content on their site, but oh no, it's corporate america and that is not apart of my job description. i figure i am going to have to wait to prove to the managers what i'm good at, and maybe i will be moved into another division. being stripped of what i did before is a hard pill to swallow day to day, but on the brighter side, i managed to find a job during this recession and it is only for right now. i'm looking into being a freelance editor/writer on the side so that i can maybe one day crawl out of this hole and work from home. be my own boss. i would love that.

the start date had been relatively up in the air since my background check was waiting to be processed. i negotiated starting on this coming monday instead of in the middle of last week. then i received a mean, mean lecture from this one woman about how this is "a professional company" and that it is so unprofessional of me to request something like that. i was fucking shocked at the reaction. she was yelling at me. yelling. and asked if she needed to have a chat with me about working in a professional environment. the rudeness and degree of hypocritical unprofessionalism was unbelievable. my old company believed in accommodating their employees and investing in people. maybe they should be concerned with how they treat their employees and actually give a damn about some of their needs so that we will want to stick around. i am not going to be yelled at or treated like shit, and given that they had me waiting around for so damn long, allowing me to start on that following monday should not have been unreasonable and certainly did not merit being yelled at. i would have loved to have told this woman, fine, go find someone else to be your bitch, missy. i hope to one day have the freedom to control who i will and will not work for, and it's quite obvious that her main concern is money, not people and their work. so i'm momentarily stuck in this hell of a place, vacillating between resentment, cynicism, gratitude, and ennui. the cute redhead of a boy who sits next to me is a godsend, and we are becoming fast pals. it has crossed my mind, because of the instant chemistry we shared from moment number one, that we might date each other down the road. he has already more or less asked me out. 1. he is not a girl. 2. he is significantly younger and 3. we work together. how would dating a man again fit into my world? would he be able to accept being with a bisexual woman (who likes to perform in drag)? how would this be? would i be able to stay in a relationship with a man? i accept that my queer identity, like our community of people, is continually changing, progressive, flexible, and inclusive of different sides to existence. i'm focusing on controlling less and embracing what the present moment has to offer.

i was at a femme collective gathering on friday after work where i met some awesome new women. i like that this community is so open and accepting of diversity. i have also signed up to be a model in a "trashy fashion show" put on by the drag troop producer in march. that is right. i will be on stage wearing semi-scandalous clothes designed by a local artist from alternative materials. i call it glam trash. the glitch is that after i volunteered, my ex-girlfriend volunteered to be a model. we're going to be models together in the same show. fuck. or fabulous. i'm not sure what the spring will bring.

next weekend is a fuck valentine's day fest at my apartment, or a celebration of "single's awareness day." i'm having a cool mix of old and new friends over for cocktails and a potluck dinner. the color black and cynicism is in.