I'm going to be breaking up soon with my therapist. I feel like she does not understand me at all after a year of our conversations. She told me that my main problem is that I "need" a relationship too much and this scares people away. Someone who knows me well would probably say that my intensity in a relationship can sometimes be off putting to certain people who prefer lightness. I've been solo for a long time and not afraid to be single. When I was seeing A. this summer, I never mentioned that I was looking for a relationship, nor did I act frighteningly serious about being together. I was going with the flow, letting whatever evolve into whatever it was meant to be, enjoying the time together, filling it with fun and laughter. When A. did what she did in the manner that she did it, I found her to be.. a jerk. Instead of offering consolation or framing the experience into a more positive and enlightening light, which is what I needed from a counseling session, my therapist said, "Do you want to know what I think your problem is?" I leaned forward in my chair to listen, disappointed in the end with her assessment of me. I don't think that A. stopped seeing me because of my "great need" for a relationship. I don't believe that that was it. Whatever happened to the belief that dating sometimes involves being with people who aren't a match? Is that not what dating is about? You discover more about yourself and other people. You discover that perhaps you are not suited for each other. I think A. is narrow minded and a bit of a jerk to people! There. I said it. And she is not the right woman for me. I belong with someone who is far more open minded, caring, and not afraid of new experiences. A. is so fixed in her ways that I believe we would have spent 50 percent of our time fighting. She was adorable and sexy and all that and I think that had she been more bending, it could have possibly been a romantic match. But... alas. It ended.

I'm taking my therapist's observation into account, but I've decided that this "therapy" is no longer that valuable to me anymore. I feel worse after my sessions. She made me feel like it's my fault that my relationships have not panned out- relationships are so complex and there are always two sides to every relationship. I'm an intense person who will find someone who likes my intensity and passion. E. loved my intensity. Why seek to alter who I am? I believe in embracing who you are. Eff that. If A. was indeed frightened that I was interested in a relationship with her, then I think she has some issues to deal with around intimacy. Therapy to me now is working with plants and cooking. Food is healing. Volunteering my time places is healing. Having my hair cut at a cool salon is healing. Creating art is healing. I would seek out a more holistic counselor in the future if I decide to have one again, a counselor who is more nurturing and empowering. She isn't a bad therapist. She is simply no longer what I need from counseling sessions.

I went to "The Big Gay Musical," part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Fest, with my gay boyfriend and his friend. I sat between them and munched on food at the Alamo Drafthouse. I had this gut wrenching inkling that I would see my ex-girlfriend, and minutes after that thought, I saw her coming into the theater. I almost fell out of my chair when I saw that she was wearing a dress. My soft butch ex was femmed out! She was in a darling retro black 1950s dress, one that I would love to wear. Her hair is longer and no longer dyed blond. It was surreal. I'm almost certain she spotted me because we were the few lesbians in the theater of gay men, and gay it was for the next 2 hours. My gay boyfriend commented on how the musical was "so very gay."

I'm supposed to be looking for work right now. I'm supposed to be going to a yoga class. I'm supposed to be in other places. Time to sign off.