Last night was partying at a professor's house with a crowd of grungie, middle-aged scholars and their vast liquor collection. Conversation was so intensely cerebral that at one point I thought my brain might explode from excessive information. I've been out of the academic environment for two years, and on one hand being intellectually stimulated was refreshing, and on the other, I found the conversations aggravating. They exist within their own elitist world and expect everyone else around them to comprehend their pretentious euphemisms and symbolic references. Who the fuck cares. It was like they were trying to outdo each other with their knowledge and memorized quotes from famous dead people. I imagined the professor with flash cards each night memorizing these quotes so he could impress people.

I sat in a chair across from my new friend, J, a filmmaker and artist, and we exchanged glances. The professor stopped conversation and says to me in a lowered voice, "So did you two like... smoke out before you came here?" He thought I was stoned. I almost let him believe it. I soon recognized this boy who used to work at the neighborhood coffee bar I would write at. He is seriously the most perfect guy for me if I wanted to be with one. He is beautiful, like a work of art, with these gorgeous blue eyes and thick, long eyelashes, dark curls that frame his face. He's kind and charming and smart and a little goofy with his sense of humor and attentive. We clicked the first time we ever met, and I am aware of a chemistry and attraction that flows between us. "Would you be the sperm donor for me and my future girlfriend?" I thought. He's a man I would procreate with. As much as I like him and admire his beauty, I just cannot quite wrap my head around sleeping with him. O- how weird that would be after 3 1/2 years. But I think that there is an attraction and also a repulsion I experience for physically being with men. He knows I date women.

We wandered down the street around 3 in the morning, leaving some of the people, to explore a secret park in the neighborhood that the professor wanted to show us. It felt like the most out-of-reality night I've had in years, probably since my days living as an exchange student in Germany. There was a high moon tower and some of the boys tried climbing it in the darkness. I was worried that one would miss a step and fall to their death. It could have happened since they were drunk. I got home and it was almost 4 in the morning. Today I feel absolutely out of it and exhausted. Those were my nightly adventures...