Bothered.

Today marks a year and a half since the falling out with J, one of my best friends. I loved loved loved her. Margaret Atwood has commented that female friendships are always shifting and changing. New alliances are continually being formed and old ones left behind. Your best friend today could be your enemy the next day. I wrote and published a poetry book to give to her as a gift this year, not that I expected us to suddenly become friends again overnight, but I wanted to do something entirely unique for her, something that no one else in the world would perhaps ever give her. It was my love in the form of a poetry book. To date, she has never acknowledged it and I have to wonder if she ever read it. It did break my heart into a few pieces this summer! I worked so hard on that collection. I poured my heart and soul into those pages. I had hoped that she would have some grand revelation about me and realize she does not want to lose me. Who was I fooling? I'm idealistic, sometimes too giving, and willing to get burned if I believe it is worth the pain. I told her exactly how I feel about her inside the cover of that book. I was symbolically telling myself to let go of that relationship through sending off the book across state lines. It just feels so hard to face that someone I used to be great friends with would actually never want to hear from me again. It's like, seriously? You really don't want to have me in your life? We cannot work out those issues? Wow. I must be such a bitch for writing a book of poetry and dedicating it to her. I feel that I've done relatively well with letting go, but memories of her have been resurfacing this week, and I admit that I have not totally let go. It has only been a year and a half. I might need another year to exorcise her from my life. I don't know if I can ever forget? I have an infinite memory that retains everything, every word, every moment, every emotion. I'm haunted for that reason. I remember how she made me feel. I remember our conversations. I remember holding hands. I remember how we would write each other almost every day at work. I remember that bouquet of flowers she sent to my office to surprise me. I remember her gorgeous smile that would always make me indescribably happy upon seeing it. I remember her amazing energy that I always wanted to be around and never leave. I remember the other gifts she gave me. I remember her telling me how much she loves me. I made some mistakes in that friendship and we had a falling out. But I feel that I was mentally fucked with for the year and a half we were friends. My therapist said we had an emotional affair, that our friendship was far beyond a platonic relationship, that we acted more like lesbian lovers than friends. I find it difficult to not give any thought to her when she is someone who lavished me with attention, gifts, and love for that length of time. I don't know what else to do but allow myself to feel whatever I feel and not resist it. I'm not over it yet. I'm simply not. I can't pretend that I am.