Saturday night. I'm at a coffee house, typing away with job applications in front of my computer. My GBF and I will probably be hitting some gay clubs later on, or it could be me going it alone if I feel brave enough. Often I feel like I'm swimming through a dark ocean in gay clubs, not knowing who and what I will stumble upon, always anticipating the need to swim in the opposite direction with what I find. Or I could swim right into someone lovely. You never know what you will come face to face with, and I think most people would agree by now that I'm selective, actually, very selective when it comes to women I'm interested in.

I'm still broke and looking for a stable income, but the good news is I completed the backyard design for client no. 1 and brought home with me a check for $370. Excited and thrilled that client no. 1 had a smile on her face, I went to the bookstore to purchase this month's issue of Bust Magazine, the one magazine I've been reading religiously since I was 24. The magazine always makes me feel energized and inspired by what other women are doing around the world; not like I need to change who I am after reading it. As I walked into the bookstore, there was A* in my line of vision. I instantly cut over to the magazine aisle. She showed up in a dream the other night and we were on wonderful terms in the dream. I remember not wanting to wake up from it because we were holding hands. I still reminisce on those real nights of clandestine makeout sessions behind the house in the dark and the memory of her lips and her hand running up my thigh.

That guy I fooled around with, we have known each other for 4 years. We are friends and he is living with my GBF in a house down the street from mine. I believe in retrospect that he did not believe that I am actually a lesbian, and I believe that I had something to prove to myself about that. Dating men may be a possibility for my ex-girlfriend. It is not for me. I have the image of myself almost throwing up. Furthermore, I never imagined I would have a pregnancy scare at this point in time. Two weeks ago, he needed me to come over to his house one afternoon because he was freaking out that he had gotten me accidentally pregnant. There was a small chance that he had, and when I found myself sitting at a cafe eating chocolate with olives to satisfy my intense food cravings this week and had the sorest breasts ever, I worried. Imagine: the pregnant lesbian.

"You would... have an abortion, right?" He asked. "Do you think we need to get the emergency morning after pill?" I rationalized that it was p.m.s. and that he had very little or nothing to worry about. I would have an abortion if he had gotten me pregnant and he would be helping me pay for it. 50/50. But I did not feel deep down that I was pregnant. Nothing had been created between us. I am so overjoyed now to have my period. Thank the goddesses.