Ever since October of '08, right around the time I began this blog, I had lost my job, and the rest has been downhill from then on, financially speaking. You've listened to it all. The boring. The tedious. The depressing. My life has been on this crazy sinking ship, and I realize that everyone in our nation is experiencing the vibrations and repercussions of an economy in deep trouble. The city I live in is so competitive and hard for finding work in, and the economic collapse has trickled down to the bottom making it difficult to get hired at a restaurant even. I went through two interviews for a waitressing job about a week ago and am not being offered it. The company in Portland has not followed up with me. I have no other job leads here. I have submitted my resume to countless companies, restaurants, and other places every single day. What is a girl to do?? I've now resigned to looking for a truly crappy job. Like being a cashier at somewhere like... Target or Walmart. I cringe at the thought.

My parents live ten minutes away from me in this city and I've been at that point of discussing moving back in with them until I'm back on my feet. My father said, "We have our lives here and you can't expect to just walk back in. Don't you have friends you can live with? We really don't want you to move back here. What is appalling is that you're almost 30 and you can't even support yourself." That was the icing on the cake, dear readers. I think it is appalling that my parents are acting like this. I think it is appalling that my parents would not expect for me to stay with them. I think it is appalling to have a family like that. I think it is unacceptable. Memories from three decades flashed through me.

My father trying to hit me at age 15 and knocking down my furniture. My mother telling me to stop making up lies about him doing this to me. Her venomous words my whole life. My father calling me "pig!" Both of them mocking my weight gain in college. "Look at you - you're practically bursting out of your jeans. You think you're going to get a boyfriend looking like that?" Coming out to them in college. "We are so, so disappointed in you. It is unnatural. It is sick. You are obviously severely depressed and cannot take the rejection from men. You need psychological counseling. You think being a lesbian is so hip, huh? It's not. You'll never be able to hold down a job. We will never accept this. Never."

More bad memories and terrible words that have been flung at me over the years. It has been a continual pattern year after year. I'm grateful that I'm escaping and that I have a whole network of caring and compassionate friends. I have decided to end the relationship with my parents. I'm not sure if I want to not have contact with them for several years or if that will be an indefinite reality. What I do know is that I am disappearing from their lives. Goodbye. Hasta la vista. Ta ta. I feel this great freedom mixed with tristesse. Severing ties with your parents is a serious life decision, and from here on out, my parents are no more. They are these people I used to know. Last night, I could not stop the tears. My friend J lifted my spirits by taking me to see Anais Mitchell perform at the Cactus Cafe. Watching her live was magical. Her positive energy, voice, and laughter healed me for awhile. I want to start playing music like Anais does. The unbelievable cool part about it was that J personally knows her and was able to introduce me to her. Music has a powerful effect on my spirit.

After the show, my GBF picked me up in his car and treated me to wine and hors d'heuvres at Justine's, a new French restaurant that is open until 1:30 a.m. We had glasses of red wine and shared a plate of white asparagus in garlic butter sauce. My GBF was so sweet. "To unemployment," he said, toasting his wine glass to mine, "and to better times." I submitted my resume in case there is an opening for a server. O. I would love to work at a restaurant like Justine's. He heard the whole story about my ass hole parents and was in disbelief. I'm strong, smart, and not a fragile little being in need of protection, however, I appreciate the understanding from friends. I wish that I were not in between a rock and a hard place. One day soon I'm gonna get out and have everyone over for punch.