checking in

here i am again at the computer in the lounge of my apartment building. i have family in town this weekend and we ate dinner tonight at a new interior mexican restaurant downtown. i had sangria with shrimp & crab enchiladas covered in a tomato cream sauce and roasted pumpkin seeds. delicious. unfortunately, my body is emotionally exhausted or i'm falling sick. i feel completely drained of energy. my parents think it is emotional exhaustion from being unemployed. the stress, the worry, the hope, the rejection smooshed together has been very taxing, and they looked at me with concern when i left right after dinner. they have tried to cheer me up about being on unemployment, but deep down i know that they are afraid for me. i'm competing with thousands of people out of work and it's f*cking scary out to not have a job. i know that if worse comes to worse, i'm a kick-ass waitress. i could also substitute teach. i just do not have the energy level i had a month ago. i'm lagging far behind. i did go for a walk around the lake to catch some fresh air. the trees and the water are grounding, and as strange as this might sound, i feel like the trees give me energy. i think about how a little over two months ago i had a job as a copywriter for a company right downtown. i had a parking pass to park in the central garage- for free. i had the luxury of walking around downtown every day and being able to work with designers and editors and web people. i had a stable paycheck and health insurance. i had a real desk. when the v.p. broke the news to me that day in his office, i remember looking out the window at the tall buildings and remembering the 9/11 attacks; how our sense of security is really quite fragile; nothing is secure. we have the illusion of security. the american economy is in a bad place and many of us have absolutely no control over it.