the holidays

back when i was younger, my mom and her best friend used to throw a mother-daughter tea each december. about 40 mothers and daughters would come to our house and have their photo taken in front of the x-mas tree. the dining room table would be decked out with desserts, fancy punch, and spiked punch for the mothers, and it would be the one day out of the year i could have as much chocolate and candy as i wanted. when we moved to texas, the mother-daughter tea tradition came to a halt. she turned 56 on december 9th and we're going out this week for a drink after work to celebrate, sort of like a mother-daughter tea, except now i'm an adult.

i am still acclimating to the positive change in my relationship with her. see- for most of my life, she has been verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. it became so bad that i chose to end the relationship, not knowing if and when i would ever want to see her in the future. my mom had become this negative, toxic source in my life, beating down my spirit and leaving deep scars. when you're a kid, you sadly cannot escape an abusive parent. when you're an adult, you have ther power to walk away, and i did. after a year of no contact and after my dad begged me to begin speaking to her again, i agreed on certain terms and conditions. 1. she had to apologize 2. she had to treat me well and 3. she had to respect me and the decisions that i make. that was about two years ago; she has made a complete 180 in the middle of the highway of life.

i do not know if she came face to face with her own mortality and realized that this was not the mother she wanted to be, or if she had some great epiphany on LSD (ha), but her whole attitude about me has radically changed. instead of hurting, she is helping, and instead of being negative, she is supportive. but sometimes i wonder when she might decide to change her mind about me and revert to her old patterns. i have trouble trusting her sincerity and i have struggled with feeling angry that she was not nice to me for most of my life. i am still working through the damage she left. i have resolved to focus on the present and on the positive side of the situation. i think that having to deal with someone like her has made me stronger on the inside and more fearless. i had to learn how to be my own advocate and activist when there was no one else to stand beside me. i imagine she never thought her daughter would grow up to become her most formidable opposition. i win more with peace and stillness than with anger.

the weekend has been filled with warm holiday parties at friends' houses and a drag show on friday night where i was hit in the head by an air borne candy cane thrown by a drag king.