hello~

it's another warm, winterish day in austin, texas. i'm at rio rita with an iced americano and the laptop. last night amber came over for a visit and we stayed up late. i opened the seasonal egg nog and lost my appetite when i saw a cigarette in one hand and a glass of egg nog in the next. ew. the egg nog was placed back into the fridge. also: not smoking is sexy. but since i've been unemployed i've allowed myself to indulge in a few. wine, chocolate, and whisky are also pre-requisites. i feel that i have nothing of great interest to report at this time. life has slowed down this week. there is the wait about the editor job, more applications, more work cut out for me on the poetry collection. this weekend i'm going to a femme collective meeting at a coffee house for the first time. that should be interesting. as of late i've felt disconnected from the lesbian community here. i'm somewhat not too comfortable with the idea of belonging to a community, being leery of groups as a whole, but it would be nice to connect with other bi/queer/lesbian women like me living in the city. an issue i have wrestled with is that when i've had a boyfriend, i often experience a huge sense of loss. i love having a lesbian/queer identity. holding hands with a man becomes a search then for balance between the straight and lesbian pieces of who i am. the world sees me as a straight woman with him, and so i feel as though i have lost a part of who i am, like that side has disappeared or has been deleted. i think that this group might connect me to other bisexual women who are in relationships with men and who perhaps feel the same. oh- and because i am so flaming feminine it is hard to be visible. we might be able to all agree on that challenge.