the nose ring.

i used to have a nose ring. see? it was a small diamond sparkle that i intended to insert a small hoop through on occasion. i pierced my nose when i was 26. it was a graduate school gift to myself. my mother freaked and tried to scare me into believing that i would never be hired somewhere with this "teenage fad." i pointed out kindly that nose rings are not only for teenagers, that women around the world, particulary in india, are pierced for spiritual and deeply personal reasons. it is not simply a fad.

the piercing symbolized to me that i'm strong, that i'm a woman, that i'm liberated. i had it done at a trusted tattoo and piercing shop downtown by a woman who has been in the business for years. the moment she pierced the needle through my nose, it was the most painful sensation i have ever experieced, but the pain was over in about three seconds. i was a survivor. i was pierced for life. or so i wanted to believe.

it took me some time after graduate school to find real work. during those months of job hunting, my mom continued to put me down for my nose ring and i continued to stand my ground. my attitude was that i was never going to have her approval with or without the nose ring. she could disagree. it was my decision, not hers. the months wore on. i was still looking. i regret that i allowed her fear tactics to eventually sink in. i was working as a waitress and praying for the right job to come along, just surviving day to day. i decided to remove the nose ring with the knowledge that i could have it re-pierced at a later date. i wanted to be taken as seriously as possible in interviews. i knew that i was pierced - on the inside - i did not need the ring for the outside world. the ring was decorative. so i removed it, with tears, and the small hole healed shut.

several weeks after that, i was offered the position as a copywriter at the company. i did have my nose re-pierced, as i had promised myself, but in retrospect, i should have returned to the shop where i had been. i was at a tattoo and piercing show with a friend and a man did it. because it was pierced over scar tissue, there were complications this time around. the bleeding would not stop at first. it was horrible, horrible, horrible and it scared me. death metal was playing on the loud speakers. people were watching. it was not the holistic experience i had wanted. i cried in the bathroom with tissues over the bloody piercing as my friend consoled me that it was going to be o.k. i had to have the ring removed by the piercing shop the following day because it was not healing properly. they were worried about me. my blood was not clotting in time after it was removed. there was more blood. there was more fear. there was more pain. i have wondered if the bleeding had something to do with having my period those particular days. it was like my body was literally in a draining mode. i had gotten a blood test from the doctor shortly thereafter to confirm that nothing more serious was going on with me. the results were fine. i wish i had that nose ring still. but i've been pierced twice and it seems i'm not destined for it.....

an imaginary nose ring is on me.