so i have a "movie date" with a guy this week.

he is a friend of a friend who i thought was asking me to hang out sometime. apparently it is far more than hanging out to him. i'm suggesting that we see "milk" - a perfect modern gay film - and will insist on purchasing my ticket to subtly communicate the status of the evening. the poor man is so confused about my sexuality. he heard "m is a lesbian" and then "m is not a lesbian" and now i will have to break it to him on the night out to the theater with the reality that there will be no hanky panky going on. i'm just not attracted to *him.* he is in his thirties, an attorney, and i have the impression is looking for a wife. hmm. he could be the real solution to my unemployment problem. marry him, never need to work again, and be like "darling, on one condition...." which is that i would go on a lesbian sex spree in san francisco every year, funded by him.

i had a conversation with S about meeting women, and she said that she is always approached in public places by women. like at my favorite coffee house where she had a makeout session in the corner area last week. she has been in this city for 6 months and is on girlfriend #3? i'm not blessed like that most of the time. i have a feeling i will have to brave it to the rainbow cattle co. soon, a gay bar in town with an unsettling cowboy theme. more to come on that later.

i've been approached only several times by women in public places here. one was a barista at a coffee house i used to frequent to write "my novel." when she walked my plate of food over one day, she had written a message on the napkin especially for me. would you like to go out with me sometime? a) yes b) maybe c) no thanks. we did go out- several times- and i liked her, but given that she was 19 to my 25, i felt like i could not seriously be with her at the time. there was a huge gap in age. she could not drink. she was barely out of high school. *i* was the one who introduced her to ani difranco. now that she is a few years older, it would be different, in fact, i wish she would ask me out again, or i would ask her out. i definitely enjoyed our dates.

then there was a woman i'll call kato. for several years we would eye each other at bars and cafes. i used to wait for the bus every evening after work and she would drive up in her station wagon on her way to work. more glancing. more flirty eyes. she would inspire completely naughty thoughts. when i went to the cafe where she was working, she came up behind me and tickled my neck, running her finger right up to my hairline, sending tiny shivers through me. that was how the first date began. with a touch. but she turned out to be a player, and though i have no doubt that the sex would have been stellar, she was not interested in me as her girlfriend and i was not interested in being played around with for long. after her i met e, my ex-girlfriend, who was like a breath of fresh mint air to the tumultuous dating scene i had suffered through. we were together last year at this time and i have days like today when i miss her touch. i miss being with her. i hate how i can remember everything.

today i'm still waiting on the university to reach a decision. i wish they would see the light and choose ME to be their editor. the last interview was yesterday. i have been waiting in suspense for over two weeks. i'm going to be crushed if the news is negative, but with the new year and obama right around the corner, i have somethings to look forward to. agatha and i had lunch together at a japanese restaurant downtown today. sushi + miso soup + green tea. if i can have sushi, i think, life is OK. i would eat fish every single day of my existence. scallops, clams, oysters, crab, squid, shrimp, cod, lobster, salmon, rainbow trout, tuna.... i have become a hardcore lover of the sea.