funemployment

i've been unemployed for about 7 weeks. the government places money into a special debit card account for me every other week. i go to an ATM machine, withdraw a large sum of cash, and deposit it. somewhat of a hassle. i've received some interesting looks from the bank teller when depositing $500 at a time. like i'm an exotic dancer for a living, or a crook. who deposits $500 in cash these days? i have held a huge wad of american dollars in one hand, too thick to close my wallet on, and feel wealthy for a few moments. i'll find out this week about the editor job. i think that probably i will not receive an offer. there will be someone else with more experience and more whatever it is. i have no control over what the university hiring gods decide. it would be fantastic to work for the university, but there could be something better out there. unemployment is what you might call: funemployment. i love not having to go into work on monday mornings and sleeping in as late as i damn well please. i plan to do just that on monday morning, unless i receive an important call that lulls me out of sleep.

i almost never can recall the dreams that i have at night as other people seem to be able to do. one would think i would be able to during this time of freedom and drifting. i did have a vivid dream about an estranged friend of mine the other night, and it has remained fresh in my memory eversince. in the dream, we were seated at a table in a restaurant with a group of people. she was on one end. i was on the other. i remember the ambience being significant. beautiful sunshine was flooding through large windows, filling the whole room with dapple afternoon light. the tables had white linen cloths and vases with colorful lilies and orchids. the walls were a light, natural wood. it felt like a contemporary french restaurant, or an elegant american restaurant. i noticed that my friend was wearing a white, flowing sundress to match the mood of the place, and i remember being aware of the emotional distance between us as the bodies of people acted as a cushion. the next part i can recall is that everyone else had left the table and we were forced to talk to one another. i moved to her end, and without words, she took my hand into hers. we sat like this, looking into each other's eyes for quite awhile. her eyes turned warmer and warmer, melting through whatever glacier there had been, and she seemed to be illuminated with happiness and love. "i love you," she said, and i had the feeling of being so completely loved, like she had reached in and wrapped a warm blanket around my heart. in the dream, i think it was understood that the love between us is deep and powerful. i would like to believe: unbreakable. i saw us walking outside holding hands and kissing at a street corner. she was my lover. i have wondered about the meaning behind this dream. one interpretation could be that she represents a part of me. i was metaphorically giving myself more love. or.... who knows. dream analysis fascinates me. i felt like this dream in particular was somehow symbolic and healing. i could not recall dreaming last night and headed out for brunch to meet a friend. the weather was warm again today, in the seventies with sunshine, exactly how i like it. we went to a mexican place called "juan in a million," situated in a hispanic neighborhood right near the projects, and feasted on mexican breakfast plates. i like the culture in that area compared to the other parts of the city. it is rougher, poorer, but with a warm mexican cultural vibe. there was a photograph of martha stewart and the owner together on the wall. texas absolutely rocks with mexican food and the creation of breakfast tacos. i sometimes joke that i live in texas for the breakfast tacos.

i would want to die in canada about now, or the midwest. i did meet someone else yesterday who is also from iowa. there is a whole underground web of iowa people living in austin. i could practically begin a facebook profile for the secret iowa people in this city. i do not know how i survived the winters the years we lived in iowa, and i know that after i crashed into the free shuttle because of the ice and totalled the front of my car, moving south was the best decision for me. i take solace in the knowledge that i will never ever have to dig my car out of the snow in the mornings before work like i used to do. i will also never ever have to be a secretary again at the drug rehab center. talk about writing material. more to come soon.