rebel grrrl.

well.. my attempts at becoming a vegetarian again lasted about... two whole days. i like fish too much, and tend not to like restrictions, finding the forbidden far too exciting. and i love food. all of it. my attempts at gaining weight have also been halted after i gagged looking at a glass of whole milk i tried to force down. i'm choosing instead to love my body, whatever size i will be in the future, and to not feel pressured by cultural standards of the feminine ideal. i happen to come from a long line of small women: my aunt used to be a runway model in chicago back in the eighties, and all of my aunts, first cousins, and grandmother were super thin in their twenties and thirties. one of my male cousins is an underwear model, recently pictured in cosmo magazine. he modeled for an article about how women should please men, and viewers see him in a series of positions one would not want their grandmother finding them in. oh but our 86 year old grandmother bought the issue and was reading it the day i found it, looking over the glossy photos of her grandson in little speedo-like blue underwear with a girl straddling him. i felt really weird. at the least, i think we have some great genes. all the women on my mom's side have had excellent health and lived into their nineties. no one has had cancer. so there you have it. i'm going for some greater self acceptance....