guinnesspresso

right now i'm drinking a special drink called a guinnesspresso - a pint of guinness with a shot of espresso. the irish in me is screaming out. i also recommend espresso with double chocolate stout, to curb the bitterness. one of my future endeavors is to publish a cookbook of my most favorite recipes handed down from friends, family, and the cookbooks i love. i envision a section on fancy drinks, including mojitos and those chocolate martinis i sometimes order at halcyon. there will be stories, of course, to accompany the recipes.

for most of the weekend i've been feeling under the weather. i decided to stay in on friday and saturday nights to rest. i have not been social at all and i intend to be a hermit for the rest of this sunday. i bought "the secret life of bees" by sue monk kidd at half price books and settled in for nights of reading on the living room couch. there is something so seductive about the south, and about black culture. i want to play with that theme in my novel. i watched part of the L word, too. it was the episode where bette cheats on tina with the carpenter and their relationship is seriously on the rocks. these characters feel like my friends. i've been watching them for the past 4 years. leisha hailey inspires me the most.

i'm resolving to go out to ladies' nights at the gay bar this year and to be more active in the femme community building that is going on. we meet once a month and the woman who runs it is essentially the center of the lesbian scene in austin and the producer of the drag shows. she's a-mazing and the same age as me. i would like to start performing and choreographing drag later on in the year. although i have not chosen to label myself a "femme," preferring the freedom to switch back and forth between styles, this group is positive for greater self-acceptance and finding a community. we will sometimes hang out with their lovers and friends so time is not bound to "femmes." i will at the least be forming new friendships, if not crossing paths with a future lover.

i was somewhat annoyed when someone recently told me that i do not dress "gay enough." and just what does a gay woman look like? i believe in dressing how you like to dress, not conforming yourself to some set of fashion codes. if a woman is attracted to me, i think that she isn't going to care if i'm in a skirt or in pants. leisha hailey could be wearing a potato sack and i would still think she's hot!

i was a little bit envious of my ex-girlfriend because her style was more obviously lesbian. short blonde hair, boy's pants, t-shirts, baseball caps. she looked like a pretty teenage boy from afar, until you looked more closely at her face and realized she was a woman. because of this, she attracts women to her side like a moth to a flame. i think it's much, much harder for femmes to attract the attention of other women. we have to seek out places where there are queer people. we have to also contend with not being perceived as gay enough and maybe continually obsess over what we're wearing and how we present ourselves. i've had conversations with other femmier sorts about that feeling of invisibility as being queer.

sometimes i feel like i literally have to stamp a rainbow sign to my chest. then maybe...maybe some people would get the message.