new year.

a new year, a new job, a new relationship, a new place in my life. these are some wishes i have. today the weather is a gorgeous 77 degrees and i've been basking in the sunshine for as long as possible. i'm wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and my converse sneakers. i feel so healthy now that i have permanently said farewell to cigarettes, and it's friday. what a great day. i spent the afternoon with jess. she is recovering from a bad car wreck. on tues. night she was going to meet me out at a gay bar for ladies' night and i told her i would come pick her up on the way. but she insisted on riding her bike downtown in the dark. she rides her bike everywhere. when i arrived at the bar and she was nowhere in sight, except for my gay boyfriend who was tagging along for the night, i called her. that was when she told me she was in the ER because she had been hit by a drunk driver! it was surreal, and she sounded in shock. the damage is: her pinkie is fractured, she has cuts all over her body, her foot is banged up, and she lost her shoe. other than that, she's going to be o.k. luckily, she was not seriously hurt. the man who hit her was so drunk at 9:30 at night that even when the police arrested him, he tried to get back into his car to drive home. it was a truly f*cked up incident. i think that he should have to pay for some spa treatments, plus new shoes and a new bike for her, in addition to covering her medical bills. it was more or less a hit and run accident, had it not been for some people who forced the man not to flee. the news made for a strange night at the bar. there were actually a lot of women out, and some i would have been interested in talking to. the annoying part is that the bartender said to my gay boyfriend: "so...is your girlfriend always so shy?" he said: "um..she's not my girlfriend. we're both gay." she then gave me this look, like she was seeing me in a whole new light. gay, huh. we realized that people look at us and probably assume that we're together, and maybe even think that we've come to the gay bar to pick up another woman for a threesome, which is SO far from the truth. we might have to make t-shirts that read "we're not together." he loves hanging out with lesbians, so i feel unbelievably blessed that i have a friend like him to go out to places like this with me. i happen to love gay men, so it seems to work both ways. i just enjoyed the eye candy. it's not making the first move that scares me. it's not rejection that scares me. it's being involved with someone who 1. simply wants to sleep with me and 2. will abandon me for someone else. being hurt is my ultimate fear. i want a real relationship, a lover who wants me to be lady no. 1 in her life. i feel hopeless, almost, that i will never find a woman who meets me halfway again. yinon was there to snap me out of that irrational fear. i won't always be alone. i will indefinitely fall in love again. i only wish i could fast-forward time to that place. i have daydreams about my future life with this partner.