i've said before that i'm over my ex-girlfriend, which is true to a certain degree, but on days like today, memories of her begin to creep up like a shadow, and i feel devastated over the loss of that relationship. i liked her for so many reasons. i thought of her while sitting in a cafe garden after dark with glowing candles on the tables, surrounded by couples having a late dinner. i tell myself things like "you weren't meant to be together" and "love will find you again" and "you deserve someone who loves you back." it's just hard to know that i'm the one that sabotaged the relationship to begin with. when she walked out that door, i never expected that she would not come back. i envisioned we would always be apart of each other's lives somehow. i thought we would work out the issues.

part of my exploration into buddhism has been teaching me about accepting the way life is. i've created more suffering and pain for myself by not accepting the present. we need to honor and celebrate the impermanence of life. there is always going to be change with endings and beginnings and uncertainty. can you really accept the present and not resist the current? i tried hard to bargain with e last year, which only made the situation worse, far worse. i was not able to accept the way things are and that her feelings for me could have changed so radically. she had had me fucking convinced of her great affection for me. pema chodron recommends thanking her. thank her for what she taught me through that relationship -- gratitude attracts more goodness.

i'm hanging out with some of her friends by chance this weekend at a queer potluck brunch, and i feel accepted for the most part there. this community is about loving and accepting, not about judging and dividing women, and i'm grateful to have found a place in it in this city. i may have a few obstacles to overcome with some of her friends who have not come to that mentality yet, and misunderstand me and what i'm about, but i'm strong and know how to handle these sorts of situations with tact. e will not be there, as far as i'm aware.